Tell me how far forever is (2)

  What is music? It's a melody that touches your heart.

  How to move your heart? Some sensitive nerves in your memory are touched by the emotional melody. At that time, you may cry or not cry. But you will sit there foolishly, and many scenes will emerge. I am not a person with high cultural interests, although I also claim to be a graduate of an art academy. However, I still like popular songs. I don't pretend, I listen to symphonies too, but I won't be moved that much. I always cry or not cry for a pop song, but just sit there foolishly.

  For example, just now I was listening to "How Far is Forever". I said I didn't cry, you may not believe it. But I really didn't cry. Because I know that once I start crying, I won't be able to stop, and I won't be able to continue writing. But I must write, because I have to tell the stories of these people who truly existed, these little soldiers who truly existed.

  Whether male soldiers or female soldiers, they are all small soldiers. Their stories, I won't tell, who else will know? Or, who will really care about them? Is it the person sitting in the hotel room making up stories? Impossible, what they care about is not the small soldiers, but something else.

  I don't dare say I'm the spokesperson for the little soldiers, but at least I represent our group of little soldiers. Our love and hate, life and death, I will write down truthfully without any disguise, to give them a world that belongs to them. I want people to know what's going on with the little soldiers. Because, I've been through it myself. They are my brothers, my sisters, my loved ones, my entire youthful world. We used to be together, together without regrets. When I close my eyes and open them again, I can still see their young faces. They're smiling at me.

  I just can't stop writing. Because they are laughing at me, my eyes are sore and I can barely see, my heart is aching and I can hardly bear it, but I still have to keep writing. I want to tell people how our little soldiers came to be. I don't have any sense of mission, just what I should do. I don't pursue the elegance of language or the perfection of structure, I only pursue the simplicity and splendor of our youth, which will reappear under my pen once again. In this way, I won't be a writer in vain.

  Because they are smiling at me, not in my memories, but right in front of me. It's as if we had never been apart.

  My daredevil raid was given a legendary color due to the intervention of real bullets. Some brother battalions even spread rumors that our Dog Head Battalion had invented a new dodge tactic that could avoid the first wave of bullets - but it wasn't that magical, really? First, I just happened to be lucky and have a flexible body with quick reflexes. Second, it was dark and hard to see, plus the yellow smoke inside the tent was very thick, so basically the guards were like blind men feeling an elephant. They were shooting without hitting anything, just trying to scare us off - all highly trained guards around the world think this way, by the way, let me share some military common sense with you. Because in chaotic situations, it's hard to hit a target (especially when your line of sight is limited by darkness and other factors). Those so-called Zhongnanhai bodyguards are just movie stuff - they're not going to stick around to fight, their job is to get the leader to safety as soon as possible. So, I was only grazed by the hail of bullets from the handguns, plus Little Phi shouted quickly and ran fast, grabbing me in one swift motion. The guards were all quick-reacting experts, none of them dared shoot at Little Phi! My life was saved just like that.

  After I moved into the General Hospital of the Military Region, it was the director of surgery, a senior expert, who personally operated on me to remove the bullet. This injury is not considered serious and did not even damage any bones. However, this was a case where the deputy commander of the military region personally called to instruct that every effort must be made to treat me well, otherwise, there would be consequences. Therefore, the hospital did not dare to slack off, and all the experts were attending to me, a low-ranking soldier. The surgery went smoothly, if it hadn't, it would have been troublesome. Even a senior student from a military medical university could easily perform such a simple operation as removing a bullet! Let alone a real military medical expert!

  She didn't dare to let Xiaoying enter the scene, although she was already a surgical nurse. This kind of occasion was absolutely not allowed for her to enter. She wanted to come in but couldn't, a group of female soldiers led by Xiaofei pressed her at the door of the operating room. When she cried, everyone accompanied her in crying, when she said something, everyone listened. If she said it was impossible, Xiaoying would say that when Xiaozhuang was young and fell to the ground, he would cry loudly, I want to go in and take a look. Then Xiaofei would press her onto the chair and everyone would hold her down. If she called out "Xiaozhuang", everyone would warn her that Xiaozhuang was in surgery, what if he heard his name and got excited? He's under anesthesia!

  Xiao Ying stopped shouting and just cried. I was in a daze when I heard Xiao Ying calling me, but I couldn't muster the strength to open my mouth. Later, when I was being pushed out and the anesthesia hadn't fully worn off, Xiao Ying hugged me tightly. I saw her crying, and I also saw tears on the faces of her sisters. But I didn't see Xiao Fei.

  I didn't see it at the time, but I saw it when I recalled it now. Is there a deviation in memory?

  It's probably not, I said that when people recall memories, they can see themselves, don't believe me? Try recalling and see. What scientific principle is this, I don't know, but I think psychologists must have an explanation. I saw Little Fi standing alone at the door of the operating room. There were no more tears on her face. She wiped away her remaining tears, smiled bitterly, and then walked away silently. What else could she do? This world doesn't belong to her.

  What else can she do?

  I entered the ward, everything was settled, and the female soldiers all left. Xiaoying stayed with me. She peeled fruit for me, cut it into small pieces, and fed me bit by bit. She poured milk for me, blew it warm in a spoon, and fed me.

  I just stared at her foolishly, not daring to laugh, one smile and the wound would hurt! You guys haven't been shot before, you don't know, at first it really doesn't hurt, but it gets more and more painful, even after being given anesthesia it still hurts like hell! I'm not Guan Gong, I'm not that powerful, I just feel pain.

  Xiao Ying accompanied me like that, I fell asleep and she watched over me. My hand was tightly clasped with hers, warm and gentle. Even in my dreams, it felt incredibly beautiful. Now thinking back, it still feels incredibly beautiful.

  What is happiness? !!!!! At that time, it was really f**king happy! I can still see Xiaofei in my memories, even when I'm sleeping - it's also really f**king strange! Is it because I, Xiao Zhuang, have learned to direct and tell stories strongly now, so I imagined this scene myself? No? I really saw it! What's going on? My memory clearly shows that I saw it! I don't know how to express it, I can only be faithful to my current memories.

  I saw Little Fei quietly passing by the door of my ward, stealing a glance at me before leaving. I don't know if she cried or not. I knew she liked me, but I really didn't understand why she liked me? Who is she?! The granddaughter of the deputy commander of the military region! How many young officers would die to be her husband! And who am I?! Just a lowly soldier, a private at that! And I'm even three years younger than her!

  What was she for? I really didn't know at the time. And at that time, I didn't even bother to think about it, unlike now when I often hang out with different girls, I was so simple and innocent back then, just Xiao Ying! No one else! This life is just hers! No one can replace her!

  So it's really not worth thinking about. What's the point of thinking too much?! It's not realistic! I don't dare to either! How could I possibly wrong Xiao Ying?! So I didn't think about it anymore. It was just every day with Xiao Ying, still in memories, when I fell asleep, I saw Xiao Fei passing by again and again, glancing at me secretly and then turning around and leaving.

  I lived until the third day, and I could slowly sit up. He Da-dui came. The sound arrived before he did: "What kind of injury is this that you're hospitalized for?!" Then his big dark face came in. Xiao Ying was feeding me milk, I hurriedly tried to stand up, and the milk spilled all over my body.

  "Sit down! You should be doing something!" Captain He glared at me and I quickly sat up straight, I really admire him.

  Xiao Ying, why is she worthy of being Xiao Ying? It's because she really dares to continue feeding me milk! A small soldier just sitting on the bed, being fed milk by his own girlfriend. The colonel and team leader not only didn't get angry, but also smiled and nodded. He nodded what head ah! I got nervous.

  "Everyone's coming! The whole battalion is coming! I said, even the big shots can't come! What's the point of Little Zhuang's injury on the front line?! I'm representing you!" He Dui said, "I'll come and criticize you! Violating the principles of guerrilla warfare! Haven't eaten an apple before? Haven't fired an 81 rifle before? Why are you so eager for that thing? What's good to eat or play with? So, I announce a penalty for you!"

  I nodded with milk in my mouth: "Yes, I know I was wrong."

  Xiao Ying didn't say a word, she just put the milk bottle on the table with a "dun" sound, and tears started falling. He Dui's mouth twitched with laughter.

  Everyone has become like this, and you still want to punish him?! Xia Ying's tone was a bit harsh.

  He Da-dui's smile froze on his face.

  "Xiao Ying!" I hastily said to her. Xiao Ying didn't say a word, turned around and wiped away tears. He Dui immediately burst out laughing, I didn't know what he was laughing at, which made me even more tense. He Dui then seriously said to Xiao Ying's back: "Girl! Remember this for me! - You're doing the right thing! He is your man, you are his woman! Whether he's good or bad, you have to follow him and protect him! When others talk about him, you must dare to scold them! When others praise him, you must dare to criticize him! Make him keep a clear head! - What I hate the most is seeing people who, when they see their superiors, smile all over their faces and can't wait to badmouth their own men! Those are not women, not wives! They're just trying to help their men get promoted! - You must do it this way! When you don't do it this way anymore, I, He Mou, will look down on you! Because you'll be just like those other women who only care about their men getting achievements and awards, having a good position! Then you won't be worthy of being a man's woman! You'll have changed!"

  I was confused at that time. Xiao Ying was also confused. —— I'm 18, she's not yet 20, do you think we can understand?

  But He Dui didn't mean to joke, his attitude was very serious. Many years later, after I had experienced many things, I finally understood what He Dui meant. Looking again, there really aren't any real women left. This statement is unpleasant to hear, but think about it for yourselves.

  What is a real woman? Captain He's words should be recorded in the form of "The Master said" to warn future generations. Xiaoying didn't quite understand, but at least she knew that our captain wasn't scolding her. Even if she didn't fully comprehend, she knew there was praise for her in his words, and she's not stupid. She quickly stood up, wiped away her tears, and turned around with a apologetic tone: "Captain... my attitude was bad..."

  He Da-dui burst out laughing: "Little girl, do you think I'd bother to argue with you? Ask your husband if he called me 'Dog Day' Commander back then and if it made me angry or not?"

  I was embarrassed: "Captain He, I..."

  Xiao Ying was also embarrassed, He Dui's words were like a knife to her heart, "You're just a little girl under 20, how can you be worthy of him?" Her face turned red. He Dui continued to taunt: "It's more fun to play with this little bastard in the mountains! Now I'm calling you, do you still dare to play with me like that?"

  I just shook my head, I really didn't dare. He Dui didn't say anything else. Xiao Ying took a chair: "Chief, sit."

  He Da-dui sat down: "Well, still knowledgeable and courteous!"

  Xiao Ying felt embarrassed, and the kind sarcasm was still audible: "Boss, look what you said."

  He Dajun said: "I'm coming, and there's one more thing." I listened.

  "Your third-class merit pay has been issued." I was stunned as soon as I heard it, penalty first and then merit?!

  "Originally, the battalion's standing committee members wanted to apply for a second-class merit for you, but I said no! This little thing is just a second-class merit, what if we really go to war in the future? How can we evaluate the merits of our soldiers? Being strict is necessary when leading troops! We can't be so lenient!" He said. I nodded: "Then forget about my third-class merit?"

  To be honest, I'm sincere because the third-class merit doesn't mean much to me. I don't need to use this merit to find a job either? My studies aren't even finished yet! Being a soldier is just a process, as for what happens afterwards, I really haven't thought that far ahead.

  "You've taken down a war zone command center and captured 5 generals. You still deserve third-class merits!"

  I just laughed, it's really like that! Including our military region deputy commander and 5 generals inside! This kind of thing is not something anyone can do! He took down his own military region deputy commander and his combat command team! My little Zhuang in the Dog Head Brigade is absolutely number one! I dare say no one has been better than me for many years! Look at how he speaks when he sees me, the Dog Head High School team!

  "There's one more thing, I personally hope you'll consider it." Captain He said, looking at me.

  I listened carefully.

  "Do you want to join the army?" He looked at me and said very seriously.

  I was taken aback: "Am I not a soldier now?"

  "I'm not saying that," said He Dui, "I'm asking if you want to join the army after graduating from college?"

  I still don't understand, what does it mean? Haven't I been a soldier before?

  "Come back when you're a leading cadre with troops." He Da-dui's attitude was very serious.

  I finally understand. Oh my god! I'm going to be a cadre in this damn dog-headed brigade?! Which means that after I graduate from university, I'll have to stay in the mountains for at least 10 years! I was suddenly stunned. Is it possible? I really am stunned, can't turn around.

  "Alright, think about it," said He Dui. "You don't have to answer me now."

  I just nodded, I really didn't have that idea! Heaven and earth are witnesses! My little village becoming a soldier was a misunderstanding, becoming a scout was a big misunderstanding, becoming a special forces soldier is a huge misunderstanding, and now becoming a special warfare officer?! Isn't that a misunderstanding to the extreme?! Is there still justice in this world?!

  My mind is a mess. Xiao Ying poured water for He Dui. He Dui started talking to her, asking where she was from, how old she was and that kind of small talk. Xiao Ying smiled and chatted with him, she's always been the type of person who returns kindness with kindness. He Dui complimented her, so she politely responded to He Dui. I couldn't quite hear what they were saying but I understood the gist of it - he was praising her for being a good woman! That's what girls liked to hear back then, not like nowadays!

  My mind was preoccupied with these things. Special forces officer? ! Isn't that the same as being a dog-headed high school student?! From now on, won't those rookies call me Little Dog Head?! I hadn't even figured it out yet when Xiao Fei burst in like the wind: "Uncle He! You're here!"

  He Da-dui burst out laughing: "You said you were looking for me to have some fun! You're the first one here! Girl, when will you bring those female soldiers into the mountains again? This time I'll let them take you to a good place, rowing and having fun. The last time doesn't count, that was just a broken mountain! —— You don't know, you have to come, you have to come often! This is one way to boost morale!"

  Xiao Fei laughed: "He Uncle, look at what you're saying! We're not that fierce!"

  "Hehe, I'm telling you! You're better at giving orders to our soldiers than I am! When I give them orders, they don't dare not listen, but when you do, they don't want to not listen and actually like listening! Haha, being with young people like you is corrupting me! Don't repeat what I said to the others, got it? It's affecting their training and morale! You understand?"

  I'm still dazed: "Ah? Yes!"

  He Da-dui was laughing and joking with Xiao Fei and Xiao Ying, while I was thinking about He Da-dui's words. How could I not think about it?! He is He Da-dui! Our God, our soul! But can I not hesitate? Joining the army was my mistake, I just liked being with my brothers... Being a professional soldier?! Really becoming a professional soldier?! I'm studying to be a director! My heart is in a mess, I can only describe it as a mess! What kind of thing is this?! —— Me, Xiao Zhuang, a university student from the big city, studying art, studying directing, joining the special forces as a special warfare officer?!

  Do you think that if it were you, your heart wouldn't be in a mess?! I haven't even come to my senses yet, and Captain He has already bid farewell. I insisted on seeing him off, and Xiao Ying supported me to the door. Captain He just waved his hand, saying "don't see me off", and then I saw his broad back wearing the army uniform slowly going downstairs. The sound of their footsteps was really loud when they went downstairs!

  Step by step, knocking in my heart!

  What should I do?! I'm really thinking about it! —— This is the first time I've seriously thought about my fate, my choices, and my future. I never really thought like this before. But now, I have no choice but to think. And then Xiaoying said: "Xiaofei, I need to go take a bath! It's been several days since I last took one, you stay with this black monkey! You keep an eye on him for me! Otherwise he'll run around everywhere and flirt with other girls!"

  Xiao Fei burst out laughing: "Can I take care of him?! He's now a special warfare elite known throughout the entire army!"

  "Bullshit!" Xiaoying knocked on my forehead, "You're still an elite?"

  I just smiled and was willing to let Xiaoying tease me, sometimes people are just so cheap. Xiao Fei was still laughing, and Xiaoying really left. At that time I was 18 years old, and I didn't think too much about it, but I knew that not taking a bath for three days is a very uncomfortable thing for girls. So I thought Xiaoying must have gone to take a bath, and I didn't think of anything else. But being alone with Xiao Fei made me feel uneasy. Indeed, I was uneasy, how could I possibly be at ease?

  I glanced at Xiaofei, and she was still smiling. I watched as her smile froze on her face and slowly disappeared. I didn't dare to speak. Then Xiaofei supported me: "Let's go! Go inside!"

  I quickly said: "I can walk by myself, my legs are not injured."

  I went in by myself, sat on the bed, and felt really uneasy. How was I supposed to talk to Xiaofei?! Xiaofei stood in front of me with a big smile, her hands tucked into her white coat pockets, and said: "What are you afraid of?"

  "I'm afraid? I'm not afraid!" I said.

  "What's the point of sweating?" she said.

  "Oh, it's hot in the house."

  Xiao Fei just smiled: "Don't be ridiculous, you don't understand me. I'm a straightforward person (it was the first time I heard this phrase), whatever comes to mind is what I say. It's just that I think you're pitiful, and since I don't have a younger brother, why don't you be my younger brother?"

  I just nodded, at this time it was really not flying anymore, the bird couldn't fly up.

  "Little brother?" Xiaofei smiled strangely, "Sister has entrusted you with something."

  I just nodded and said whatever she says I have to agree with, I don't dare to offend her!

  "Take good care of Xiao Ying," said Xiaofei, "she switched to surgery for your sake."

  What's it to me? I'm just a fool.

  "Your special forces team is a 24-hour standby rapid reaction force, and you may be deployed to battle at any time." Xiaofei said seriously. "Although there is no war now, once there is a war, you can't escape. Xiao Ying is worried that if something happens to you when you really go up, she will regret it for the rest of her life. She says you joined the army for her, and you can't let you go alone, or she will regret it forever."

  I'm speechless - actually, people outside the military think war is far away, but the military is busy with this stuff all the time?! We also know there's no war, but every day is preparing for battle! So, the shadow of war is still quite strong in field troops, without a clear definition of who the enemy is - it's not that simple. You're a field troop, so you're fighting, that's what you should be doing, so you have to think about war. After a long time, your mind will easily collapse under this tension - if you were in a rapid reaction force, wouldn't your mentality change?!

  "She said that if you went up, she would be the first to go as a war nurse," Little Phi looked at me and said. "If you were injured, she would take care of you; if you were disabled, she would accompany you for life; if you sacrificed yourself, she would kill herself."

  I was shocked and looked up at Xiaofei. Xiaofei nodded: "She's serious."

  Tears fell from my eyes. Xiao Ying, my little Xiao Ying... beautiful, weak and willful Xiao Ying, a girl less than 20 years old, just because her boyfriend was a soldier, she was also a soldier, so she had to bear the shadow of war psychologically once it came. And prepared for the worst outcome of death. She never told me about this.

  I silently shed tears. Xiaofei put her hand on my head: "Brother! Treat her well!"

  She also held back her tears and turned to walk away silently. I sat there alone for a long, long time. Xiaoying finished her bath and came in: "Where's Xiaofei?"

  She saw me in tears: "What's wrong?"

  I threw my arms around her and burst into tears. Xiao Ying anxiously asked, "What's wrong? What's wrong with you? Hei Hou Zi?"

  I raised my head and shouted: "I love you——"

  The voice was loud, I shouted the number out of my throat, and I believed that no one in the hospital could not hear it. In my memory, I heard an echo, a voice "I love you" echoing in the corridor. Also echoing in my heart - I have said these three words to only one girl, Xiaoying, in my life. And just once.

  Xiao Ying stays in this echo. Xiao Ying's tears slowly come down. She tightly hugs me. Her hand touches my tears, with a smile: "Silly!"

  Then, tears fell on my face. I held Xiaoying tightly in my arms. Tightly, I held her close to my heart. From then on, we never parted again.

  Xiao Ying's tears fell on my bald head, pattering down.

  I love you. I never said that to any girl afterwards. These three words are not easy to say out loud. Because it's love, not just liking. It's love. Do you know what it is?