Tell me how far forever is (3)

  I fell asleep for a whole night, my heart aching bit by bit. I had to stop writing because if I continued, I really wouldn't be able to hold on anymore. But my story isn't finished yet, and the things I need to do aren't done yet. I'm not at the point of collapse, but I couldn't let our youth story go unfinished. That would be a lifelong regret for me. So I had to stop and force myself to sleep for a while. You can only understand the feeling of being forced to fall asleep if you've experienced it yourself. But I still fell asleep, truly exhausted. I slept for a whole night, in a daze. In my haze, I heard our military bugle call.

  Iron camp, flowing water soldiers. But the unchanged military horn, every day is calling for generation after generation of young soldiers. I saw our military flag in a daze. And under the military flag, the camouflage square array, under the helmet, one by one dark and thin face, simple face, young but sacred face.

  I am wandering in a daze, my soul drifting outside the mortal realm. I gaze down at my youthful years from atop the mountain valley of our Dog Head Regiment. I have gazed down at this place countless times from a helicopter, whether in daylight or darkness. But never have I felt it to be so beautiful.

  The serial number is still shaking, the murderous aura is still rising. I drifted away with the wind in a daze and came back with my dreams. Like a shadow, I shuttled through countless green tents, sweeping past the phalanx of male and female soldiers. I stretched out my hand but couldn't grasp any one of them, only then did I realize that I was transparent.

  The male soldiers are still so dark and strong, the female soldiers are still so fair and beautiful. They are all still young. So the story of the male and female soldiers continues to unfold. Love has nothing to do with regulations - let alone the fact that even cadres know that regulations cannot restrain the love between boys and girls. Love, in my brief youth, in those closed green worlds almost completely isolated from the outside world, is just love.

  The love of little soldiers is as simple and pure as their uniforms, a plain green.

  The little soldier's love is like their camouflage, a dazzling green that changes with the surroundings.

  When I woke up from my dream, I knew I had cried again. It's a very unmanly thing to do, and as someone who has been through thick and thin, how can I be so prone to tears now? I won't cry anymore, there are still things that need to be done.

  It's done. I can cry again, but it won't be late. Reopen the computer and start our story. The soldier's story. A love story. The story of a small figure buried in the world. Our own story.

  After He Dajun left, I really had something on my mind. If I say that before, I was really carefree and followed my own nature, then when He Dajun brought up the issue of me becoming a military officer, I knew the seriousness of the matter. Because it's very clear, this isn't something that can be taken lightly. It's a lifelong thing. Being a soldier is just two years, and I'm not signing on as an officer, once it's over, it's over, and I'll do whatever I need to do. But really becoming a professional special forces officer? Honestly, it's not that I was afraid of death, at the time my brain didn't have that kind of thinking.

  According to my understanding of the Chinese army, becoming an officer is not a simple matter. I graduated from university and even if I count the two years before that as military service (I don't know if my situation counts as military service during university, military schools do, but this is a local university and military school are worlds apart, who knows how it's handled), I have 6 years of military service. When I returned to the army, I was a platoon leader with the rank of second lieutenant. If promotions happen every three years, it would take me six years to become a company commander with the rank of first lieutenant, and 12 years to become a battalion commander with the rank of captain! What does 12 years mean for me? My god! I have to endure 12 years just to reach the level of a high school team leader! And it's not even guaranteed! The military is a typical bureaucratic management system with a pyramid structure, especially for field army officers who lead troops. When there's a vacancy, how many people will fight for it (non-commissioned technical officers don't need this, they have no real power and can just advance through technical ranks)? At least 1 in 4! Can I, Xiao Zhuang, bear the humiliation of running around to visit superiors' homes one by one? This is what the military is like in peacetime! Promotions are such a troublesome thing! How many people are like our He Dui (a heroic battalion commander)? And he's still just a regimental commander after all these years!

  Even if I smoothly promoted to the rank of Major, from Major to Deputy Colonel is a big hurdle! You think it's easy to add a bean to your own shoulder? The ratio of getting to this step is 1:6! At least 6 Majors can be selected for one Deputy Colonel! This ratio is too low! I still remember the memory of last year when several battalion commanders in Dog Head Brigade competed for the position of Deputy Chief of Staff! ——This is not strange, it's a power institution, foreign armies are the same——Do I want to wade through this muddy water at 30+?

  Besides, once you reach deputy regiment level, you can take it easy a bit. Generally speaking, getting to full regiment level isn't a huge problem - even if you can't become the political commissar of the dog head brigade, there are positions in related units, and promotions within the troops aren't just about ability, but also about having a position! Without a full regiment position, what's the point of promoting? However, deputy regiments usually have the chance to become full regiments, it's not hard to take care of you when you transition out and promote. There are positions everywhere, and so many warehouses too! Being a director or something for a transition isn't that difficult.

  But what's next? Two roads.

  Firstly, career change.

  But what's the point of transferring to a local unit? Local units don't want you! Special troops transferring to a slightly better unit, public security and related units still like to take them in, but how will they place you if you're at the county team level?! A city-level bureau chief is only at the county team level too! You go there and become the political commissar of the bureau?! What nonsense! Being able to mix with the deputy departmental level is already not bad, but it's not certain that they'll be willing to give you a position! They have their own people too! Would you be willing to take them in if you were in their shoes?! Besides, if you really go down there and become an office clerk, can your heart accept it?! All those years of hard work would be for nothing! What does the experience you gained in the army count for?! Isn't it just a waste of paper?!

  Second, promoted to deputy division head, and added a bean.

  My goodness! Is this easy?! This is another big hurdle! I don't even need to say how many people are fighting for it, you all want it so badly! Being a deputy regimental commander is already a mid-to-high level military officer, if it were you, wouldn't you try your best to get in?! Does my little Zhuang really have to become this kind of person?!

  Even if I, a small village, have bad luck, there are still prestigious universities on top!

  This is even more difficult! The division commander of the field army, this kind of officer who leads troops, needs to be personally signed and approved by the first-in-command - damn it! I'm Xiao Zhuang, an art school graduate who mixed into the People's Liberation Army, becoming a division commander?! Wouldn't the commander have to carefully consider whether this kid is suitable for the job?!

  Next up is Deputy General, which is Lieutenant General.

  I don't need to think about it, then it can't be considered purely military, it's hooked up with the political circle. The armies of the whole world are the same, generals are just generals, speaking and doing things have weight. Of course, it's not something you can become just by wanting to! You go think about how much effort it takes yourself!

  This is what I thought about when I was 18 years old. This consideration came from my grandfather, an old eight-way politician who had experienced many ups and downs. I had to consider it. Moreover, the Dog Head Brigade was still an independent brigade, and I said that special warfare officers didn't have a particularly good career path. The professionalism was too strong, the establishment was too small, and the face was too narrow. Can people only consider looking at the bright and fiery youth? Don't I have a future? Don't I want to have a wife and children?! —— A Special Warfare Brigade Commander becoming the commander of a high-tech infantry division in the Wild Field Army?! Playing legendary games?! He would just use those few sets of moves, to say an inappropriate metaphor, born to be a thief, you must let him go rob on the road?! It's not something that superiors would consider!

  And besides, being an official is so tiring! Is this something that I, a young man from a small village, can handle? Do you really think being a young military officer is as simple as it is in TV dramas? It's not just about fighting against outdated strategic ideas and wholeheartedly improving the combat effectiveness of troops. Even if a high-ranking commander pays attention to it, it's not like everything will be smooth sailing. That's too simplistic! You're underestimating the bureaucratic management system that exists in every military around the world. Any struggle is complex and tortuous, can't be reduced to simple arithmetic. If you have ability, you'll get promoted? It's that simple? What's called "officialdom's ups and downs"? I knew this when I was just an 18-year-old private, how come so many adults now can't understand it?!

  Is it really that simple to be a professional soldier?! The troops are being reformed and downsized, what's going to happen then?! Who cares about excellence or not at that time?! During the massive military downsizing, weren't there any outstanding young officers with ambitions to become generals?! Does the country's military strategy take all that into consideration?! You're just a small fry - I don't think you have what it takes to be a general anyway, and if they want to cut you off, they'll cut you off! You've been fooling around in the troops for so many years, and when you return to civilian life, you'll already be 30, and still need to start all over again?!

  This is not a weakness, the military forces all over the world are like this. The Americans are no exception, do you think Powell can become a four-star general so easily? He's not the lucky one in the cruel competition?! Is it really that easy to be a general?! Are you dreaming?! Talent, fighting spirit, connections, vision, unyielding determination—and many other things I won't mention, none of which can be lacking, and even then it may not be you! And there must also be opportunities!

  What the heck is going on in my life?! Besides being a bird, what else can I be?! Is being an official a place where I can fly?! Can I even fly that high?! But my dream is to be a writer, director, and artist! The contrast is just too big, isn't it?!

  My 18-year-old brain, every day it's just these things spinning around. If I were you, could you bear it?! Headache, now my head is killing me. What about when I was 18? Can't eat or sleep. Really headache.

  Dedicate to national defense? Devote your youth? Do you really think I'm blind?! I'll tell you, whoever goes to military school without considering what I've considered is impossible! Technical officers are an exception. Anyone who wants to make a career in the field army will not find it easy! You can devote your youth when serving as a soldier, just two years! But when serving as an officer, can you afford to devote? Don't you need to have a day to transition out of the military? What are you going to do?! Is transitioning and resettling really that easy?! Aren't you still going to have to rely on connections?!

  Alas! When I was 18 years old, it wasn't easy for me to be with his grandmother! I kept thinking about these things, but couldn't figure them out. If I didn't agree, I would be betraying He Dui's trust and expectations. But if I did agree, what would happen to my life?! Xiaoying can't think that much, honestly, as a girl she can't consider so many things. She still accompanies me every day, trying to make me happy. Why am I not happy? She doesn't know! She even thinks it's because of something she did wrong and tries to be nicer to me. But I'm still unhappy!

  Would I be happy if I were you?! I'm suffering in this joyful happiness and future fate. Sometimes I laugh, but it's also helpless. Xiaoying is staring at me with her big eyes, not knowing what to do. I'm distracted, not knowing where to look. Xiaofei sometimes comes to see me and sees me being distracted. She takes Xiaoying away and tells me to calm down by myself. Xiaoying listens to her, although she doesn't know why, but she listens to Xiaofei's words.

  They went out to talk, Xiao Ying sometimes cried, and Xiao Fei comforted her. But what she was comforting her about I didn't hear clearly, I was really thinking about my own fate! 18-year-old Xiao Zhuang, is it easy for me?! --- Now looking back, Xiao Fei knew why I was worried. What kind of environment did she grow up in?! But at the time I didn't know!

  As long as you're not afraid of hardship when you're a soldier, it's fine.

  Being an official, is it okay as long as you're not afraid of hardship?!!

  Is military uniform so good to wear? ! Alas—

  I'm so envious of this soldier! If it were my fellow rural soldiers, they would be over the moon! Wouldn't being promoted make them happy? For them, being promoted means becoming a government official and having a job! They'd have a home in the city! They don't have much to complain about, and their original goals weren't that high anyway. What about me? Am I satisfied with just finding some random government job in the city? Is that who I am? What do you think?

  But He Dajun was determined that I had the makings of a special forces officer. Now, I think it's a misunderstanding, but he was convinced. Now, if we were to go to war, Xiaozhuang wasn't bragging back then, and would definitely be good material for leading troops; but in peacetime, Xiaozhuang isn't that kind of material! He Dajun came from the battlefield, he doesn't consider so much, everything is based on the actual combat effectiveness of the troops! To be honest, he really didn't have that kind of brainpower! If he had the brains for officialdom, could he have been a division commander for so long?!

  It's so frustrating! I'm really annoyed, officer, it's not something that anyone can do. Especially someone like me who has high aspirations. I'm searching for answers in my suffering. But of course, there are no answers. What the hell does an 18-year-old soldier know?! I don't believe you were more mature than me at 18, these questions are still difficult for those mature officers now - they might all be shocked, damn it! A young soldier thinks so much?! Is he human?! But I really did think that much, it's a fact.

  I often think of my grandfather, an old revolutionary with a tumultuous political fate. He loved to tell me about the dangers of officialdom, regardless of whether I understood or not, he just liked holding me and talking. Now I know he was unburdening himself. His worst experience was being completely banished back to his hometown to work as a farmer for many years. So my whole family had rural household registration. Even after the policy was implemented and my grandfather's heart was dead, my uncle, aunt, and others didn't care anymore. After so many years, giving children urban household registration made it easier for them to go to school and find jobs, what else did they need? They just farmed! Only my father joined the army and became an officer, obtaining urban household registration. That's how I, Xiao Zhuang, became a city kid.

  Alas! What the hell am I supposed to do now?!

  Xiaofei kept talking to Xiaoying, and the time they spent together grew longer. Xiaoying's tears became fewer and farther between. Her face took on a maturity that was unusual for a 20-year-old girl, one that didn't match her personality. She became more sensible, no longer pestering me to laugh with her. She became quieter, no longer pestering me to tell her stories. The only thing that remained unchanged was the look in her eyes.

  One evening, I said to Xiaoying: "I want to discuss something with you."

  The little shadow who was washing my feet laughed: "What? So serious? Not like you!"

  I said seriously: "He Dui last time told me..."

  Xiao Ying smiled faintly: "Then don't discuss it with me."

  I was taken aback.

  Xiao Ying sighed: "You men (good heavens! She used this phrase for the first time!) handle your own affairs, I won't interfere. You decide for yourself."

  I haven't caught my breath yet.

  "If you think it's worth doing, do it; if not, don't." Xiaoying was washing my feet with soap. "Anyway, as long as you feel happy and think it's worthwhile, then go for it - stinky feet and all!"

  She pushed me in. I still didn't understand what she meant by her words.

  Xiao Ying looked up at me: "No matter what you are, you are my little black monkey Xiao Zhuang. That's enough."

  She bowed her head and washed my feet, washing them very carefully. I stared at her foolishly, opening my mouth but unable to speak. The bugle outside sounded, it was the lights-out signal - every military unit has a bugle, and the Military Region General Hospital is no exception. I heard the bugle sound. Although I hear it every day, today's feeling is different, really different.

  Because, the military horn is surging in my blood.

  Because, the military horn is echoing in my heart.

  I opened my eyes and saw a little shadow wearing military uniform.

  I closed my eyes, it was a pack of dog heads in my mountain valley.

  I opened my eyes again, and it was still Xiaoying, who was wiping my feet.

  She's still smiling at me, patting my foot: "Black monkey, go up for me!"

  I went up to her. She got up to pour water. I pulled her back. She turned around and looked at me: "What's wrong?"

  Her face has really changed. Yes, she's matured. I actually wanted to ask, if I had really listened to He Dui's words, would you be willing to follow me and live in the mountains as a dependent? Let your youth wither away bit by bit in the mountains? Far from the hustle and bustle? Far from fashion? — This is something that any young urban girl, especially a pretty one, cannot do. But I didn't ask. I just said: "It's okay, take a look at you."

  "Let go! What's so great about it? Let me pour water for you! Otherwise, I'll splash it on your body!"

  I let go. She went to pour water. When she came back, she covered me with the quilt, carefully tucked in the corners, and turned off the lamp. I obediently watched her shadow busy herself. After doing all this, she lowered her head and lightly kissed my lips: "Sleep, don't kick off the quilt tonight! Tomorrow I'll bring you breakfast."

  I watched her quietly leave, softly closing the door behind her. I listened to her footsteps carefully move away, she was wearing nurse shoes, but in the silent corridor, I could still hear her cat-like footsteps.

  I heard the second bugle call again. I still hadn't made up my mind. But in my dream, I dreamed of my Dog Head Regiment. Dreamed of my dark and honest brothers. Dreamed of my military flag. Dreamed of the young and solemn faces under the flag. They were silent, and I was speechless too. I didn't know what this dream meant. Really, still don't know to this day.

  I also dreamed of Xiaoying. Our camouflage squad was marching past the reviewing stand, our numbers shaking the sky. Xiaoying was wearing a military uniform, with lieutenant colonel insignia on her shoulders. Her expression was solemn and sacred, saluting us with military courtesy. A female lieutenant colonel in the Chinese People's Liberation Army was inspecting our squad. The most elite and bravest squad of soldiers in the Chinese army. We marched to the right, then forward, 115 steps per minute, each step 75 centimeters long. We looked forward, marching in lockstep, 115 steps per minute, each step 75 centimeters long. We shouldered our guns, held our guns, and shouted out our numbers in hoarse voices like wolf howls that shook the sky. All of this was for a beautiful female lieutenant colonel.

  All for our love.

  All for dedicating their youth and love without complaint or regret to our little soldiers in the great mountains of China.

  Shouldn't we accept her inspection? Shouldn't we? What do you think?