19. Why don't you be my soldier?

  Many years later, one of my girlfriends was cleaning up a bunch of miscellaneous stuff for me and dug out an old 91 camouflage backpack from the bottom of my large cabinet. It had many patches sewn on it. She knew I used to be a soldier so it wasn't very strange, but after opening the backpack she was puzzled - how could someone with my sloppy personality keep these things packed up so neatly? She started taking out the contents and they were all folded neatly, including even a washed and bleached August 1st undershirt.

  I was typing on the computer at that time and didn't notice what she was doing. Finally, she came out with a large yellowed envelope with a unit number written on it, which I bought from the military service company. She opened the big envelope and put the contents in front of me, asking puzzled: "What is this?"

  I looked up and saw her taking out things one by one and placing them on the table.

  A wolf head with a big mouth open towards me, revealing sharp white teeth, on top of the wolf's head is an eight-one red five-pointed star, on both sides are the letters "TZ" and "BD" in capital letters; under the wolf's head are crossed a 95 rifle and an 85 silenced submachine gun, decorated with the traditional yellow wheat ears of the Chinese army - my sleeve badge. Two sets, one colorful, which we wear daily; one dark green, which we wear during training and exercises. Two chest stripes, one colorful, one dark green. The pattern is the same, both read "Chinese People's Liberation Army Land Force Wolf Tooth Special Operations Battalion".

  I also have my black beret and camouflage scarf, which are already creased. In addition, there is a blue beret with creases and a matching blue scarf, as well as a shield-shaped national flag patch and a round UN patch.

  Also, there are my camouflage cloth-covered photo album and several diaries. Two of them have Comrade Lei Feng's study cover, I remember that year our service company purchased a batch of such diaries, it was so depressing; another diary has a blue cover with English and Chinese slogans "Go to X for peacekeeping, the greatest honor".

  A third-class labor medal and a ribbon.

  What else? A bunch of wind-dried wild orchid specimens fell out from that blue-covered diary, sliding onto my desk. The long-forgotten fragrance suddenly wafted out, with faint bloodstains on them.

  My nose suddenly turned sour.

  Tears fell pitter-patter down.

  The roar of helicopters, the dense sound of gunfire, the waves of floodwaters, the hissing of tropical jungle cobras, cries, radio calls - what else?

  Also, there's Xiaoying's laughter on the phone: "Xiaozhuang, Xiaozhuang, can you see me? I'm the girl on the far left of our class on the news broadcast..."

  There is also fire.

  What else?

  Bang! I smashed the computer keyboard with one punch and roared: "Who told you to open my things?!"

  The girl's face turned white, because my temper has always been calm and lazy, rarely getting angry - I don't think she's ever seen me like that since we started dating, and by the time she met me, I was already a laid-back little village.

  But I got angry. Then, with a subconscious punch, the computer keyboard easily turned into a pile of fragments flying in the air. As the pieces fell down, I saw her tears coming down. And then I just sat there.

  She turned around and went into the bedroom to cry. I just sat there, looking at a table full of youth. I just sat there, looking at my table full of youth, looked for an entire afternoon, without saying a word, without any expression, without a single tear.

  I just sat there like that.

  Where can I sit now? This godforsaken city doesn't even have a place for me to take a dump, and I really need to go now. I'm such a mess already. I just sat there until dusk, when she came out with her Adidas blue backpack, carrying her clothes and makeup, and walked past my back.

  I grabbed her arm and pulled her over: "Don't go—"

  She was startled at first, then gently stroked my head buried in her bosom.

  "What's wrong with you?"

  I buried my head in her bosom, and tears began to flow silently.

  "What's wrong with you? Speak!"

  I didn't speak, I just cried, silently crying, tears wetting her chest but I still cried, crying to the point of being unable to bear it. She no longer asked me, she just held me like that, stroking my messy long hair on top of my head. I had cried enough, the sky was already completely dark. The lights in the house were not turned on.

  Under the moonlight, I lifted my face: "I'll tell you something."

  "What? You said?" She had been waiting for a long time.

  I looked at her face, which was similar to Xiaoying's: "I used to like a girl."

  She smiled: "What's the big deal? I thought you had a crush on a boy!"

  I looked at her and said seriously: "I want to tell you something."

  She sat seriously in the chair opposite me and looked at me: "You say."

  I pondered for half a day, but I still had to tell her because I had to tell her because she was the one who resembled Xiaoying the most: "I used to be a special forces operative in the Chinese People's Liberation Army Wolf Tooth Special Forces Unit."

  She was stunned for half a day. I said: "It's true, I've never told you before."

  She smiled: "Isn't it just being a soldier? They're all the same to me." I didn't know what to say. She smiled and nestled into my arms: "You're not driving me away?" I was even more at a loss for words. She pulled on my hand and sat up straight: "Okay, okay! Let's talk about fashion instead! I just bought this sweater yesterday, let me show it to you, what do you think? Does it look good?"

  She flew in like a bird and changed her clothes to show me.

  I sat there stupidly.

  I still sat there foolishly.

  Where else can I sit?

  What about you? Where else can I sit?

  When the dog tag and chest badge were handed to me, I wasn't excited at all. The brothers around me were so excited that they couldn't calm down. We had been through a month of brutal training, and in the end, only 16 people passed the final comprehensive drill. Those three junior officers all qualified - there was no favoritism involved, their scores on the basic subjects were the same as ours, and they really stood out, with high scores on the technical subjects, so they ranked top three; Commander Ma was the first among the non-commissioned officers, fourth in the entire new training team, and Zhangzi was fifth overall - what about me? I wasn't the best among the soldiers, but my score wasn't low either, ranking tenth in the new training team. This achievement was something I had earned with my life! Later on, I gradually discovered that this dog-headed battalion really wasn't just talk, it was forged through hard work. But deep down, I still didn't like it here - I'm a straightforward person, and now I still am; if I like something, I like it, if I don't like it, I don't like it.

  That year, our new training team eliminated 4 soldiers. One was during the unarmed combat training, he jumped slower than one second and was hit by a horizontal sweeping stick on his ankle bone, causing a comminuted fracture, completely finished, at that time I broke out in cold sweat - isn't this person finished for life? But even if we're finished, we still have to train, the standard is not ambiguous.

  The second one was caught cheating during the comprehensive assessment (I still broke out in a cold sweat, afraid of being exposed), and during the escape training, he actually rented a local construction team's three-wheeled vehicle, changed into casual clothes, and tried to rush through the checkpoint without going on the mountain road - cleverness backfired, you think you're a peasant-born disguise, but you're still a soldier, not a professional spy! Disguise reconnaissance is not your strong point, don't play if you can't do it well. The checkpoint saw that his eyes were shining brightly and he had a spirited aura, without saying a word, they detained him first, no matter how he disguised himself as a worker, saying that he was late and the boss would fire him - in this mountain area, the Dog Head Brigade would dare to detain even police cars if necessary, let alone his broken three-wheeled vehicle?! As a result, he was detained and tried to escape, but the soldiers from the Police Communication Unit were also reconnaissance soldiers who came out of combat training, who was worse than whom? A few people immediately subdued him, tied him up and put him aside to cool off, and when the officer arrived, he was immediately expelled. - Later, the Dog Head High School Team said that if he could really deceive the Police Communication Unit's checkpoint, they would let him go, but the problem was that he couldn't do it well and got caught, this wasn't bravery, it was recklessness, in a real battle, because of this guy, an entire squad of brothers would be chased by hundreds of people on the mountain. So later I remembered that if you can do something, do it, but if you can't, think of a way, but don't force it and don't take risks - do you think what we learned in the army is useful?

  The third brother to be eliminated was because he secretly drank alcohol. In general troops, although there is also a ban on drinking, if you drink and it's not during training days, or causing trouble, or excessive drinking, in short, as long as it's at an appropriate time and place, no one will bother with this trivial matter. However, the Dog Head Battalion has strict rules that are deadly - you can't drink alcohol. If old team members drink, they have to write a self-criticism and be confined, and if they drink again, they'll be sent back to their original unit. What about you, a new recruit who hasn't even received your armband? You dare to drink? There's no room for leniency, directly get out! It doesn't matter what kind of elite you were in the past, here everyone is an elite. If you were valued by your superior in your old unit, it's impossible here! So, the third scout to be eliminated just left! Without any hesitation, he was told to pack his bags and leave - actually, he had only secretly taken a small sip, but the Dog Head Battalion caught wind of it. Calling him Dog Head is truly fitting, his nose is really sharp!

  The fourth one is not worth mentioning, it's a bit complicated with the local young woman. This thing sounds bad when said out loud, but every unit has it, and there's nothing that can't be said about it. It's managed so strictly, I still don't know how he hooked up with her - that's why I say all the things that happen in this place are just ridiculous! - When did he go out? In the middle of the night? How did he get past our sentry? How did he run 20 kilometers on mountain roads for just a moment - I'm using improper language, but it's true, I can only speak the truth. Then he came back before 5 am and snuck into our tank garage? And then went through intense training the next day?! - Not only is he a big addict, but he's also incredibly reckless! - The military quality of the champion of the regional reconnaissance competition is obvious, isn't it? - The local young woman was already engaged to someone else. We didn't hesitate and sent him back to his old unit for processing because our military relationship hadn't been officially transferred yet, we had to wait until the day we received our armbands to deal with this matter. Later, Dog Head High School Team specifically held a meeting for us, not saying anything about revolutionary warriors overcoming corruption, but asking us if we felt secure going behind enemy lines with someone like him? What if he got captured? Would we have time to pull the trigger on the glorious bullet? Giving it to a woman would be just like Wang Lianju, wouldn't it? - I still think the glorious bullet is inhumane, but when the time comes, for the sake of not betraying my brothers, I will pull the trigger without hesitation. A soldier like him might be fine in an ordinary reconnaissance unit, where the time spent behind enemy lines is short and the tasks are relatively simple, even if he got captured and became a Wang Lianju, it wouldn't cause too much harm - but what about special forces? Can a soldier who can't even resist the temptation of women do anything? Are we waiting for him to betray us? Letting you all be chased around in the mountains by the enemy like rabbits? Not to mention the loss of strategic intelligence - The words sound bad, but the logic is clear. However, I'm still wondering, doesn't being a special forces soldier mean I have to become a monk? To be honest, I'm more fond of that now than before - Dog Head High School Team finally said something ambiguous at the end of the meeting, we all understood it as farmers' soldiers - We can't control who you date, but just don't mess around with local young women, especially not recklessly. Special forces are what? - They're strategic sharp blades! They're the tip of the spear for non-nuclear conventional armed forces directly controlled by the top leaders! From this concept, it's the same as strategic missile troops, and can only be more secretive, not more relaxed - Do you know when nuclear war will break out? I don't know, but what about conventional local wars? They can happen at any time, so we can't mess around with local young women - Do you know her background? - This meaning is clear enough, it's not just a matter of regulations, even if officers want to date, they should go home and do it, or find someone within the unit - I understand this logic, fortunately, Xiao Ying is a nurse at the regional military hospital, an absolutely trustworthy unit, and her personality can't have any ulterior motives either - To be honest, during the meeting, I really thought about it, how could I not think about it? Originally, when I was in the regiment, there were no cadres who specifically held meetings to talk about dating issues, so I had to think about it - Do you guys think I'm a good soldier?!

  We were left with the people who played the role of imaginary enemies, the old team members of the second middle school and the police communication team (including German-made imported big wolf dogs), and we wandered in the mountains for a week. We were asked to put explosives on the dam, or to capture the imaginary enemy's important figures at designated locations (in other words, kidnapping). We also sneaked into the armory and did things that seemed like an American blockbuster. We spent our days running around in circles in the mountains within a radius of 100 miles, being chased by those dogs. We prepared ham sausages, but the dogs didn't eat them at all. It's not just a matter of training, you know how well they eat? Later, I joined the dog head team and liked to play with dogs in the police communication team's dog house. It was a big courtyard, with single-story apartments for the dogs on both sides. Then I looked up and saw a huge banner that scared me. You guys guess what it was? - On the wall where we usually wrote "unity, tension, solemnity, liveliness" in large black art font or red bold font, there was a slogan that I estimated you would not be able to guess even after 100 years: "Comrades, dog food must be eaten by dogs!!!" - with three exclamation marks. I was scared and asked the leader of the police communication team's dog class if they really ate dog food. The leader, nicknamed "dog son", smiled and didn't say anything, but I knew it was true. Later, when the dogs had dinner, I saw that our special forces' food was already the highest standard in the army, but this was absolutely unbeatable. We were better than what we ate at home, except for outdoor survival training. But it was clear that the German-made imported big wolf dogs raised by the People's Liberation Army enjoyed the highest treatment of soldiers' food - not necessarily mountain delicacies and seafood, but definitely much better than what ordinary people eat every day, even better than what I eat now. Now I'm telling you a non-secret secret because everyone doesn't know who eats the best in the Chinese army? - German-made imported big wolf dogs! I estimate it's on the same level as the pilots of the air force, only higher not lower. So we often joke that dogs are more precious than humans. You probably don't know, do you? The dogs in our troops have military status, which means that among the 3 million soldiers, at least a few thousand are these dogs. They are real military dogs, with household registration and military status, treated equally to us, and when they die or get old, they will be buried according to the standards of fallen soldiers.

  We lined up at the garage door, wearing dog head armband, chest badge, beret, camouflage uniform, big leather boots and wide belt. One person held a large pile of them and stood stupidly at the door, while the dog head high school team looked at us coldly, I didn't care about him, just watch me deal with you and this dog head team! The training officers and non-commissioned officers were all very happy because this year we had the most people left behind. In the past, there was only one person at the worst time, usually seven or eight.

  We went in. Then everyone changed clothes, boots, belts, hats and wore armbands and chest badges, excited like birds. I looked at them with a cold smile, the kind of smile that an 18-year-old kid wouldn't have. A few training officers were smiling all over their faces as they corrected the classic peasant-style beret-wearing method of several brothers who didn't know how to wear it - I was going to describe it, but I'll tell you later because I want to move on with the story, and we can talk about it again later. The Dog Head High School team stood at our door watching us change like birds.

  As soon as I didn't move, things were thrown onto the bed and stood up. That posture was absolutely impossible!

  The high school team saw it, and everyone saw it as soon as they saw it individually.

  The high school team is staring at me.

  I stared at him with wide eyes.

  "Hey, why aren't you changing clothes? The gun-granting and team-entry ceremony will start in an hour and a half!"

  I stared at the Dog Head High School team's eyes and slowly said: "I quit."

  Everyone was stunned. The Dog Head High School team was also shocked. Commander Mada hastily pulled me: "What nonsense are you talking about?" I broke free from him: "It's not nonsense, I've thought it through since we arrived, I want to return to my old unit." Commander Mada: "Then what did you come here for, you turtle egg, have you been possessed by something evil?" I stared at the Dog Head High School team and slowly said: "I came just to quit today."

  All crows and sparrows are silent. The Dog Head High School team still has no expression, he is a battle-hardened person, plus he himself is also a bird-like goods, so generally it's always like this:

  "Tell me your reason."

  I'm telling you, I don't care about your Wolf Tooth Special Forces team! I came to tell you that I can do it, but I don't care! I want to go back to our regiment!

  Silent.

  Frightening silence.

  No one dares to speak.

  The Dog Head High School team was indeed hit once, his face twitched for a moment, and slowly said after half a day: "What did you say?"

  I continued to scold them: "I don't care! I came here just to tell you that you're nothing special!"

  This time everyone is stupid and understands. Then they are all stupid.

  Only I and Dog Head High School team are sober.

  I know I won this war. Because the Dog Head High School team was thoroughly hurt! His face was originally black, but now it's dark red. I know he was hurt. When someone scolds your dad, you're like that too, so I'm not surprised. This thing that many scouts consider to be the highest honor, I don't care about. So it just proves that what you Dog Head High School team is doing is a meaningless thing!

  I won, I know.

  The dog-headed high school team slowly walked towards me. I knew he was going to hammer me, so be it, I couldn't beat him anyway, and besides, I'm used to being hammered by you every day. I saw his eyes, his eyes were so angry that they seemed to want to swallow me whole. Then he approached me: "Say that again?!"

  I'm not as tall as him, but I looked up at his eyes with my head held high: "I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!" Then I closed my eyes and waited for him to hit me. Go ahead and hit me, I've given up anyway. If you can't kill me with a punch, I'll bite you to death!

  But no. I opened my eyes in confusion. The Dog Head High School team was humiliated, but he didn't hit me. He was still controlling himself. Although I knew he hated me to death. Then he suddenly came over, and I quickly struck a pose, but he ignored me, just picked up the pile of new clothes, boots, and armbands on my bed and left, without saying anything.

  I'm puzzled. The high school team turned back and roared: "Pack up your things, get out of here!" Then he got into his own turtle-shaped jeep and drove away. I knew I won. Because I saw him not putting on that airs for the first time, he was anxious.

  I just quietly collected my things. No one dared to talk to me, and everyone silently did their own thing. Those few training officers and non-commissioned officers didn't say a word either, they were just standing at the door gritting their teeth. I knew they absolutely wanted to beat me up, but even the Dog Head High School team didn't dare to beat me up, so neither did they - if the superior officer doesn't speak, you'll be held responsible for beating someone; if the superior officer speaks, then you can beat them, of course not to the point of serious injury or death. In a real combat unit, mutual beating and group beating aren't taken seriously. When I joined the Dog Head Battalion, I was still beaten up several times, but there were no major penalties.

  I gathered my belongings and sat on the bed waiting for someone to escort me away. More than half an hour later, my comrades were led out, none of them dared to take a second glance at me. I was still wearing my army-style jungle camouflage training suit and sneakers, sitting alone in the garage.

  But I'm not afraid. Because I am for my Chen Pai! I want to avenge this bird brigade! Then the car responded, and the Dog Head High School team came in. I stood up, after all, he is a lieutenant colonel, and I must follow the rules of the army. The Dog Head High School team looked at me for half a day: "Follow me." I took my own things.

  "Don't take your things, someone wants to see you."

  I'm puzzled, who is it?

  The Dog Head High School team left without saying a word.

  Go ahead and go! What's there to be afraid of? At most, they'll find someone to beat me up but won't dare kill me! I got out and plopped myself down in the front passenger seat. The high school kid drove off without a word.

  The car passed the truck my brother was sitting in. The motorcade looked at me anxiously. All the brothers looked at me anxiously, even the three junior officers looked at me anxiously. They all stood up.

  But I was not afraid, and I recall that at the time his expression was absolutely arrogant.

  I thoroughly messed with this arrogant special forces team that had been showing off since its establishment! Although I also paid a heavy price, I don't regret it! Because I avenged my Chen Pai!

  The car entered through the automatic iron gate.

  A brand new world has opened up.

  It turned out that it was actually opened, and you found that it was also a Liberation Army barracks. The only difference is the people. I saw the soldiers at the door of the barracks, each wearing camouflage uniforms with colorful armbands and chest stripes, berets, and shiny leather boots, holding automatic rifles with ammunition boxes in preparation for roll call. They were obviously preparing for the upcoming new recruits' gun-issuing ceremony. Their faces were just like those of our brothers in the company - dark, thin, and simple. They smiled foolishly at each other, chatting away, just like brothers. The leading cadres also spoke kindly to the brothers, occasionally glancing at their watches, and when it was almost time, they blew a whistle, and everyone immediately fell silent.

  The troops stood in rows and columns, displaying good military qualities.

  Stand at attention like a pine tree, chest out, showing excellent military style.

  Counting one, two, three, four all the way to the last shout that echoes through the mountains, showing the brave and fierce spirit of soldiers. Then in front of each barracks, they sing a song: "The tough battalion is ready! The tough soldiers are ready! The tough warriors are all red..." Singing the song like wolves howling, I'm familiar with this military chorus art. I feel a bit surprised. It's not as rigid as I imagined? Aren't they just ordinary soldiers like us? They're just officers after all?

  But I know I don't belong here. I belong to my little infantry battalion's reconnaissance company, my Miao company, my Chen platoon. And also my Xiao Ying. In short, I don't belong to this bird special forces brigade! No matter how good they are, it's still a bird brigade that doesn't belong to me and I don't belong to them! With a determined heart, I didn't look at anything and just got on the bus and went in.

  We passed the special obstacle course, passed the broken civilian airliner shell that stopped in the corner, passed the high iron tower used for parachute training, and passed many other things I had never seen before.

  But I didn't budge. The high school team was speechless, their faces pale with rage, but I knew they were furious. Was I being too much? I felt a twinge of guilt in my heart, but as soon as I thought of Chen Pai's leg... No! Chen Pai's leg was crippled because of this damn team captain! If it weren't for this team captain, Chen Pai wouldn't be crippled!

  I've become heartless, love whoever you want, anyway I'm over 100 pounds now, think whatever you want to think. The car drove into a quiet corner, with rows of cedars and a flower bed by the road, planted with white orchids, I didn't expect this bird's nest to have such a romantic place. Just as I was amazed, the car stopped at a gate guarded by soldiers wearing woolen uniforms. "Get down!"

  I followed him down. He ignored me and walked ahead. I trailed behind. The guards saluted him, but when I approached, they dropped their salute. I had to return the salute because they were squad leaders. Then I climbed a long flight of stairs to a small plaza with a wall in front of me, covered in inscriptions. At the top of the wall, three large characters read: "Wall of Honor". In front of the wall stood an eternal flame, flanked by two guards dressed in woolen uniforms, standing at attention with serious expressions. Even as a new recruit, I knew this was where the ancestors of any unit rested, but did this damned battalion really have so many martyrs?

  We didn't stop in front of the wall, but went around to a large hall. I was surprised to find that apart from the guards, the Guangdong officer was also standing at the door, wearing camouflage and carrying a handgun. I was happy to see a familiar face, at least I wouldn't be beaten up, so I smiled at him. He completely ignored me. I was puzzled, what's going on? Didn't he recognize me? He had been so enthusiastic when giving me flowers! Before I could think more, I followed the high school team inside. But the high school team didn't go in, they just stood at the door: "Someone is waiting for you."

  I hesitated for a moment, but then thought that it was just a matter of going in. I went inside. The guard closed the door behind me. There were photos all over the wall, all of soldiers, some black and white, some colored, some in war environments, some in peaceful ones. They were all young faces. I didn't have time to look closely because I saw a familiar figure from behind.

  A broad back view.

  Big brother of military industry! So you wanted to see me? I wanted to shout but stopped.

  He stood in front of the photo on the wall, looking at it silently. He was also wearing camouflage uniform, black beret and big leather boots, I started to wonder - is the military industry so powerful? A lieutenant colonel team leader came to pick me up?

  That figure stood there motionless. I saw a new set of camouflage uniforms, beret, armband and chest badge neatly placed beside him, with the wide leather belt on top, and the pair of cowhide boots that were as big as my feet arranged neatly beside them. I stood there motionless too. The old military factory worker slowly turned around. Underneath the black beret was a dark face.

  But there is no smile, it's... heartache! Yes, the heartache after being deeply hurt.

  Then I saw his officer green shoulder badge... two yellow stripes, three yellow stars.

  Principal!

  I was stunned.

  The big black face just stared at me.

  Serious but unable to conceal the sadness. The kind of sadness that I will never forget in my lifetime. I suddenly lost my speech, I knew that in the Dog Head Regiment, only the regiment commander and political commissar were colonels, but the political commissar had gone to Beijing for a meeting, so it could only be the regiment commander in front of me. My brain couldn't react - Military Industry Big Brother equals Special Troops Colonel Regiment Commander?!

  The big black face looked at me for half a day, then opened its mouth. The voice was still so thick and low, but the deep pain and sadness after being deeply hurt could still be heard. The big black face looked at me, slowly and solemnly, but with sadness, asked: "Why didn't you become my soldier?"