1. Go where I should go

  When the motherland needs

  Bury me on a distant mountain peak

  Let my body become an invisible barrier

  Fellow comrades who come and go will shed tears for me in two lines

  Excerpt from Xiaozhuang's diary during a certain exercise period

  1. Go where I should go, for everyone and for myself.

  Back at the training base, Miao Lian didn't ask me about Chen Pai's situation either, and I didn't dare to say anything. Actually, at that time, we were still young, how could Miao Lian not know? In fact, Miao Lian knew much more than I did, he was probably already informed of Chen Pai's fate afterwards, so of course he wouldn't share his own sorrow with me.

  But many years later, I recalled Miao Lian's eyes and realized that there was a hint of guilt in them. But this wasn't his fault, whose fault was it? Actually, no one was at fault, but there was already such an irreversible outcome.

  Who did I hate most at that time? —— The one I hated most was this "Special Troop" thing.

  Because of these four words, my Chen Pai's leg was ruined (I thought it was a leg at the time, because no one would tell an 18-year-old me such a cruel result); I must take revenge on these four words, I want to be the best and most outstanding special soldier, and then abandon this so-called honor. This is the real idea at that time, that kind of hatred is in my bones, it's a flame that can burn my heart into iron and melt it into steel.

  After the competition, the organizers of the military region arranged a series of activities to comfort us, the ace scouts from the mountainous areas. In addition to the performance by the Military Region Cultural Troupe, there were also tours of famous scenic spots and local united performances and so on. I didn't go once, Miao Lian knew that I wasn't feeling well and didn't force me.

  I vented all the hatred in my heart on those sports facilities. Every day, starting from early morning, I ran desperately and practiced desperately until I was exhausted. Only then did I lie down on the sandy beach of the lake and burst into loud sobs. What was I crying about? I didn't even know myself. Then I got up again to run, and got up again to practice.

  Later, Miao Lian had to come forward and stop me, because the engineering soldiers saw my determination and no one dared to tell me to stop practicing and let them dismantle things to restore the past. They knew that something had happened to our squad leader and vaguely heard about my relationship with his brother. Under Miao Lian's persuasion, I stood on the high ground by the lake shore and watched as these temporary buildings disappeared within a day, as if they had never existed.

  So where did my Chen Pai fall down? Who else can find it? Who else can remember?

  So where did all those sweat we shed go?

  Right after that, Xiao Ying came to see me. It was a weekend and most of the troops who came for training had gone into town to have fun. I hadn't told her where I lived, but it wasn't hard for the nurse from the Military Region General Hospital to find me. I was leaning against a tree, upside down, when I saw Xiao Ying jump off our cooking class's truck, wave at our cooking class leader, say "thank you" in a clear voice, and then run towards our tent with quick steps.

  The armed sentry who was on duty wanted to stop us, but then didn't. The female soldier herself was exempt from inspection, let alone the fact that the martial arts competition had already ended and there were no secrets to be spoken of here. It had rained heavily in the past few days, and the forest was filled with deep water. The road made of sandbags was unmanaged due to the dismantling of the training base, as the troops had all departed one after another. So the road was very muddy, and I quickly jumped down to help Xiao Ying up.

  Xiao Ying gave me a glance: "You still know how to support me?"

  I'm so silly - many things are contagious, such as accents. Later on, I had a comrade from the Northeast who was always nice to me, and eventually I started picking up some of his accent too. To this day, people still think I'm from the Northeast, but I'm too lazy to explain. The expressions of soldiers in the army are also like that - after being there for so long, they all start to look similar. Assimilation is really powerful. Xiao Ying laughed and said: "Look at you, you can't even recognize yourself anymore! It's not just the camouflage jacket, it looks like you've even changed your brain!"

  I'm so used to not talking to girls that it's just fun. Xiao Ying blinked her eyes: "Let's go! Go take a look at your doghouse!"

  I took her to see our tent, and there was a soldier sleeping inside, so we came out. As soon as we left the tent, she grabbed my hand, and I felt a sudden shock, hurriedly letting go. Xiao Ying: "What's wrong? Didn't you used to hold my hand all the time in middle school?"

  "I tensely shouted: 'There's someone here!'"

  Xiao Ying: "What's wrong with someone? What's wrong with us?" She said, openly and frankly, hooking her arm around mine. The diligent sentries looked on with envy, not knowing how this little soldier was so lucky. Fortunately, Miao Lian wasn't there that day, he had gone into the city, otherwise I would have been in trouble.

  I hastily opened it and said: "The rules say that warriors can't fall in love! This is for people to see!"

  Xiao Ying waved her military cap and laughed uncontrollably: "What era is this? Our general hospital doesn't even talk about this, you're still talking about it? Is this really you? My god! What kind of ghost place is the army? The sun is rising from the west!"

  I forced a smile, but my heart was still thinking of Chen Pai. Xiao Ying followed me to the reeds by the lake and I took off my camouflage jacket to put under her on the riverbank. She sat down without hesitation, then used my military cap to fan herself: "This place is really hot! Aren't you hot?"

  "It's just the steam, we're used to it." I said lightly. She looked at my arm, which had many scars, and the muscles were thick and strong, and sighed: "You really are different now! In the past, others told me that the army was a big melting pot, but I didn't believe it, even when I joined the army myself, I still didn't believe it - now I do, you've really changed."

  I smiled faintly, not daring to say anything more, knowing the power of her words. Xiaoying took off my military cap and looked at my face: "You've really changed a lot, a lot! Before, I just thought you were a little boy, now you're truly a man! - Scout, why aren't you speaking?"

  I chuckled and said: "Haven't you been saying that all along?"

  Xiao Ying: "I'm serious, I want to tell you something - did you know that the top 20 winners of your martial arts competition came to our hospital for a physical examination?"

  I said I knew. Xiao Ying faintly said: "There is one who does not qualify."

  I was taken aback: "Really?!"

  Xiao Ying nodded: "Right, one of my roommates has a heart condition, she knows what's going on." I asked her what was going on. She said: "Heart disease, but it's not serious, it's also a problem that he developed through exercise. He himself said it started last year during the group army reconnaissance business competition. He's been taking medicine for it all along. Alas - I really don't know how you reconnaissance soldiers do it, there are so many injuries on your bodies when you come for physical exams! I've also served in the military, but only now do I understand what it means to be a soldier. Most of the injuries and illnesses don't affect training, but this soldier's illness is different, it will affect training. For example, parachuting and diving, he absolutely cannot do these things."

  I asked him if he knew himself? Xiao Ying nodded: "He knows, he asked the doctor and nurse not to give him unqualified ones."

  I was taken aback: "Why? Isn't this making a joke of one's own life?"

  "He said he had been preparing for 3 years just for this one opportunity, and that even if he died, he would die on the training ground of the Special Forces."

  I was shocked, and Chen Paihe looked so similar! I asked Xiaoying what your hospital plans to do? Xiaoying: "If we want to hide it, the medical department of the special forces can't find out, they don't have external examination equipment, and still need to come here for examination. The director of the external department wants to tell the truth, that soldier has been begging him for several days. But I don't know how it will be handled in the end. That soldier is quite pitiful, and all the sisters in our room are very moved, the director of the external department is very embarrassed."

  I had an idea in my mind. I seriously asked Xiao Ying, "Can you help me with something?" Xiao Ying silently took out a well-folded piece of paper from her pocket, and I took it over. It was the photocopy of the chest X-ray examination result, but on top of it was stamped with the red seal of the hospital's radiology department. Xiao Ying said lightly, "Since I came here, I knew what you wanted. This seal was stamped by my sister in the radiology department; even if it's just a photocopy, it's still valid as long as it has the serial number and the doctor's signature on it."

  I looked at her with emotion: "How should I thank you?"

  Xiao Ying: "Actually, I'm not doing it for you either. Even if you weren't the 21st one, I should still do this. My sisters and I are doing it for that comrade, I don't want him to really get into trouble in the end, or we'll all feel guilty for the rest of our lives."

  I nodded, as if I already regretted what happened with Chen Pai. Xiaoying's eyes were filled with tears, and she turned to me: "Will you promise me one thing?" I asked her: "What is it, tell me?" Xiaoying looked at me silently, placing her right hand on my chest: "You promise me - when you go to the special forces unit, you must come back safely to see me!"

  I held her tightly in my arms, embracing her closely. Her tears soaked through my camouflage short-sleeved shirt and flowed onto my chest muscles. I leaned down to kiss her lips for the first time, sweetly. We just hugged each other like that, leaning against each other, watching the wild ducks flying back and forth on the lake, watching the fishermen's homes swaying gently in the distance, watching the clouds changing shapes unpredictably, sometimes like a horse, sometimes like an eagle. We watched the sunset until the sky turned dark.

  She fell asleep in my arms, and I didn't move at all.

  I'd rather sit like this and hold her until we're old.

  I handed this inspection report to Miao Lian, and Miao Lian handed it over to the higher-ups. The heart and soul of three years were thus destroyed. I can never forget the resentful look he gave me when he left for good. My heart was pierced deeply. But I don't regret it, because Chen Pai's matter is something I will regret all my life.

  So I won't let myself regret it again.

  It's my turn now.

  Go where I should go, for everyone and also for myself.