Chapter 1: Long Time No See (Revised)

  When your best friend and boyfriend stand together with no distance in between, what is your feeling at that moment?

  All I have is silence and a sea of rage and shame.

  The two people were momentarily stunned, and then they hastily looked for towels and clothes to cover themselves up. The wind was blowing strongly, and in an instant, they couldn't help but look disheveled.

  "Don't get me wrong... it's not what you think..."

  "What did I misunderstand? It's not what I thought?" I put the key to their house on the living room table, and even smiled. "If you're going to tell me that my best friend and my boyfriend just happened to be fixing a faucet at the same time, got wet, and just happened to not be wearing clothes, then explain this scene to me."

  "Hmmph." He couldn't take it anymore, pulling at the corner of his mouth and shaking his head: "You always argue from the start, what can I say? What else is there to say? That I couldn't find my self-respect with you, not even daring to kiss me, I'm a normal man, not a monk! Are you satisfied now? If not, I can keep talking. Anyway, it's not like you didn't say anything either. I can make up excuses by the basketful if I want to justify myself. You don't look down on me for that, do you? Then just stop looking!"

  "Good."

  As he said, I really didn't look down, and the anger that had accumulated in an instant was all vented on their family's door. He opened the door and chased me out, grabbing my wrist: "Wait, wait, wait! Listen to me explain! Pei Xing doesn't care whether you believe me or not, I haven't fallen in love with someone else!"

  "The man who plays with his girlfriend's BFF is even more disgusting!"

  "Why can't you just lower your head and be softer with me, I'm your boyfriend! Can't you learn from Song Na and be more gentle in accepting me? I also need comfort, can't you understand me like she does? Why do I always feel lonely when I'm with you?"

  I feel a surge of inexpressible anger welling up in my chest, I shake off his hand and take the stairs down from the safety passage beside the elevator, the complaints behind me growing fainter.

  The next day, I calmly asked him out and formally broke up with him. However, Song Na suddenly chimed in, "Is this how you love someone? You're going to abandon him by himself? If you loved him, how could you bear to see him lonely? How can you forgive even this mistake? He did what he did because he couldn't get comfort from you..."

  "So I will fulfill you."

  I say this with utmost sincerity: may they have a harmonious union for a hundred years, and may their love be as pure as water.

  ————

  December 24, 2009, Christmas Eve, light snow.

  A street filled with the glow of lamps, crowded with noisy people, I hold a cup of Starbucks hot chocolate and walk aimlessly.

  Some pedestrians are in a hurry, some are in pairs, beautiful girls holding large bouquets of exquisite roses, with gentle and shy faces.

  I also had such an experience, just 100 days ago, and I put all the memories into my recollections. In these three months, I have been calmer than ever before, without resentment, regret or even sadness, only a hint of clear sorrow reminding me that my relationship with Fang Weihang has ended cleanly after more than three years.

  I can't accept betrayal, I can't accept deception. Therefore, I won't forgive them no matter how many times they do it again and again, even if they kneel in front of me to apologize, I will only find it ridiculous. Even if people think I'm heartless or stubborn, the clichéd "boyfriend and best friend" plot, even if everyone else doesn't mind, I still won't magnanimously forgive anyone, because I'm not a saint.

  After the incident, their accusations against me still echo in my ears, making me deeply reflect. Perhaps only a girl like Song Na, who is tolerant, understanding, and gentle, can be his goddess and save him from the virtual world. I am too narrow-minded, sharp-tongued, and vengeful to comfort him. I never believed that "sacrificing myself" would make him turn back from the gaming ocean. Besides, I am a selfish person, I couldn't sacrifice myself, nor could I be a white lotus flower. So, I couldn't forgive him for being with her. That sentence "a perfect match made in heaven" is all I can say to them calmly and peacefully, hoping never to see them again.

  I returned from Beijing and left the whole campus to the two of them, after all, it was a friendship.

  Sometimes I also think that if they can walk together towards brightness after combining, what's wrong with that? As for blessings, I'm still very happy to do so.

  Lost in thought, I unknowingly walked halfway through the pedestrian street. Santa Claus was giving out gifts at the entrance of a shopping mall, many girls were queuing up to take photos, and the crowd was extremely crowded. I felt a bit worried, why bother coming out to join this commotion when one could just stay home with an apple on Christmas Eve?

  My gift is a small snowman mobile phone charm.

  It was already half an hour later when I squeezed out of the crowd and threw away the hot cocoa cup that I ran into an acquaintance.

  It's been four years since we last met, although it feels like just a familiar face.

  But I surprisingly recognized him at a glance.

  He stood under the street lamp at the entrance of the pedestrian street, without a hat, his short and smooth hair reflecting the bright white light, with a few snowflakes that had just fallen on his hair, exceptionally sparkling.

  His figure became more slender and tall, wearing a black woolen coat with a white scarf, he was lowering his head to look at his phone, his long eyelashes slightly raised, covering the scattered light...

  A pair of eyes with unfathomable depth.

  I had a moment of absent-mindedness, as if I was seeing this person for the first time from afar.

  He is no longer sunny, no longer full of youthful vitality, and far from the handsome and charming neighbor brother in my impression. The whole person exudes an unmistakable maturity and stability.

  He still looks good, but it's completely different from the good-looking guy who cosplayed as Yue Hua Ye those years ago. Back then, he was a handsome young boy, now he is a good-looking man...

  No matter which one he is, he can make me lose my composure so easily.

  Four years, I thought I could be immune, but in the end, I couldn't resist his charm... I shook my head and forced myself to recall my mind, can't think about it anymore, but those long-forgotten feelings that had been suppressed couldn't help but burst out, spreading into a vast expanse of bitter heartache.

  For a whole minute, five steps away from him, the idea of escaping occurred when his outline was clear, but seeing that scarf, the disappearing act made it even more impossible to resist wild thoughts...

  It's been seven or eight years since then, right?

  He's wearing that handmade scarf I gave him twenty years ago, back in this city, appearing before my eyes... it's too surreal.

  No matter how many times I blinked, that familiar yet strange figure stood there clearly.

  Not an illusion.

  At this time, the central square transmitted a five-minute countdown to Christmas, I thought of avoiding him, but it was too late, his low voice rose, and he called out in a low voice.

  "Cherry Blossoms Fall——"

  His voice changed.

  Like an old wine, rich and mellow.

  The noise of human voices was loud, but his voice pierced through the crowd clearly and struck directly at my heart.

  After such a long time, hearing my name being spoken from his mouth again, my heart skipped a beat for an instant, and my breathing lost its rhythm. I couldn't help but smile wryly - this uncontrollable reaction was all too familiar...

  I'm no longer a kid.

  I told myself that, forced a smile, turned around and pretended to be surprised: "It's you... what are you doing here?"

  He walked towards me, his face slowly becoming clear, with thick eyebrows and phoenix eyes, his slightly furrowed brow seemed to sigh, his thin lips parted: "I thought you should have seen me."

  Yes, I see you.

  I hesitated for a moment, unwilling to admit: "There are too many people, maybe I didn't recognize him at first..."

  He definitely won't believe it, there has never been a time when he was deceived.

  He was just like before, not minding my occasional lies, only smiling faintly and reaching out his hand to me. His slender fingers gradually became clear and enlarged, and I involuntarily took a step back, with his fingers landing on the bangs of my forehead.

  "Long time no see, you've grown taller."

  What a gentle voice.

  It's so painful to hear it in my ears.

  I dodged his hand by slightly tilting my head: "One has to grow up after all... who can stay that tall forever."

  He felt his hand stiffen and then withdrew it.

  "Aren't you going to look at the Christmas tree?"

  "A pine tree wrapped with strings of lights and full of empty boxes, didn't Mr. Su see enough of this abroad?"

  "It's been four years since we last met."

  He said so, I don't know if he was referring to the Christmas tree or us.

  I smiled and remained silent.

  The habit of talking too much has been gone for a long time, and I don't have the mood to argue with him.

  He also smiled slightly, walked by and naturally held my hand like when we were young, a warmth passed through in an instant, scalding me to shrink back, he then turned his head over: "Can't do it anymore?"

  The Chinese characters are profound and subtle, with an additional "le" word, the meaning is completely different, how can I answer?

  If it were in the past, let alone holding hands, we even slept in the same bed when we were young. Can we still sleep in the same bed now? Although not a big feudal society, men and women are still quite different.

  Forget it.

  Even if you say no, he will still come according to his own ideas.

  Just like that summer vacation's supplementary lesson and that annoying home tutor, although they quarreled to the point of tears, he still carried it out resolutely.

  Hmph, who let her be his girlfriend anyway.

  Look, it's been more than four years, and my mood has settled to the point where even that dark past can't stir up ripples anymore. At least we're not swearing at each other again. If I really am as cold-blooded and unfeeling as they say, then thank that unrequited love that went nowhere, and this person himself, for making me stop believing in love a long time ago.

  In the central square, three circles inside and three circles outside were packed with people. Boyfriends one after another put their girlfriends in their arms, as if they would lose them if they didn't pay attention, it was so exaggerated.

  No one is allowed to stand within five meters of the Christmas tree, Su Hang pulled me to stand at a distance of ten meters, the countdown sounded with fireworks being set off simultaneously, illuminating the surroundings as bright as daylight, everyone was counting down together.

  At the moment of counting down to 0, the central flame burst into bloom, and the sky unfolded a huge fireworks display. Perhaps it was too dazzling, and tears fell for a few moments. The cold winter wind blew, and before I could leave any traces, they dried up.

  Snowflakes fell, fluttering and swirling, a rare peaceful Christmas Eve had passed, after midnight, Christmas replaced Christmas Eve, I hadn't even had time to take a bite of the apple.

  A low, muffled voice whispered in her ear: "Merry Christmas."

  I remembered the hand that was still being held in his palm, furrowed his brow: "I'm going back..." Go back and eat an apple.

  "I'll send you off." But he still didn't let go of my hand.

  All along the silent exit of the pedestrian street, turning right is the underground parking lot of the mall. Walking all the way to a red sports car, I recognized that brand, Maserati.

  I was still amazed at "a lawyer, actually driving a luxury sports car" when he accurately and effortlessly got into the driver's seat.

  I was stunned for a few seconds, walked to the other side, got in the car, sat in the passenger seat, and fastened my seatbelt.

  He tilted his head and looked at me with eyes that were as deep as I remembered, only without the gentleness of childhood, but even more profound.

  Maybe it's age, maybe the light underground is too dim.

  He didn't say another word, and I didn't talk to him either. Four years without seeing or contacting each other, even the most familiar people will become strangers. What's more, time is unforgiving, and he was no longer the Su Huan who loved me to the bone.

  And I am no longer the child who acts without considering the consequences.

  Time has passed and we have all changed.

  I used to like him and even confessed my feelings, thinking I was very brave. In today's words, I was poisoned by Japanese comics and had a Mary Sue complex, thinking "saying what's on your mind is great, even if it doesn't work out, you won't regret it". But the result was completely different.

  I told him, he refused... Although the refusal was very tactful, it was also very clear.

  At that age, with that mindset, and in that stage of blind conformity where people easily follow the crowd, my emotions were effortlessly transformed into "infatuation" and "dependence". This comic book storyline always had a happy ending, but when it played out in real life, it led to our brief, silent war afterwards.

  After the silent war, a brief protest of home tutoring, my protest undoubtedly failed. From then on, we would argue over half a sentence, and even seeing each other was tense. Finally, he simply stopped showing up, except to pick up his girlfriend, my home tutor at the time. During that period, I couldn't see him anywhere else...

  Now thinking back, the attitude at that time was really childish.

  Isn't it just confessing and getting rejected?

  Wasn't it just rejected?

  What's the big deal? What can't be let go of?

  Now that I think about it, maybe it's just unwillingness after all.

  For the ten years we grew up together, he took care of me more meticulously than my parents and brother. He picked me up and dropped me off from school, helped with homework during holidays, cleaned up after I got into trouble, and even accompanied me through my first period, making me brown sugar water and buying me sanitary pads... At that time, I could be reckless and take it for granted to act coquettishly around him. But now when I think back, the most beautiful memories have become the ones I least want to recall. The pain of today is in stark contrast with the joy of the past.

  I just can't accept it...

  Everyone says he likes me, and they all tease me by saying he's spoiling me. As time passed, my feelings changed from happiness to shyness. At that age when I was just starting to develop feelings, after reading a few romantic comics, I deeply believed that "nothing is a problem in the face of love", and I forgot about our seven-year age difference...

  Do you still remember when I told him "I like" and "I love", his expression was so complicated, now thinking about it, what a kind of disappointment is that?

  Even though his tactful refusal seemed so polite, how cruel it was to me? Without a clear rejection, it was enough to knock me into the abyss... That was the first time I really saw him get angry, and even now I don't understand the reason for his almost furious anger.

  He said he spoiled me.

  Spoiled into a willful and mischievous child.

  He likes me, no doubt about it.

  He asked me if I could tell the difference between liking and loving?

  He asked me again if I could tell the difference between "like" and "love".

  At fifteen years old, how can I distinguish the complex emotions in his words?

  Later I understood, his liking, a pure liking, without any other emotions mixed in.

  That day he sent me home crying, and didn't say a word all the way, he just furrowed his brow, and I just didn't want to talk to him.

  After I got home, I went upstairs and couldn't help but hide at the corner of the stairs. I saw him kneeling in front of my father, with a faint sound of apology... The shock came at that moment, and tears fell to the floor one by one.

  The proud Su Hao, the Su Hao who existed in my heart like a god, at that moment he was kneeling in front of my father like a child who had done something terribly wrong...

  I don't know what they specifically said, I just heard him making intermittent promises to Father.

  "It won't happen again..."

  What was that? I didn't quite catch it.

  He said he wanted to see me and walked towards the stairs.

  I hastily scrambled up and returned to my room, pounced onto the bed and covered myself with the quilt. He came over to me more familiarly than anyone else, sat on the edge of the bed, and stroked my hair that was exposed outside the quilt. He said "Maybe in another ten years, twenty years, when you meet the person who makes you understand love, if you regret liking me..." He paused for a long time, then said "Fu Yingxue, you're only fourteen years old, many things aren't as simple as just saying them."

  I hated his gentleness at that time, I hated the seven years of light and shadow that he came to this world earlier than me, no matter how I wanted to chase, I couldn't shorten the distance of time.

  In his heart, I am just a child.

  It seems like the blink of an eye, and more than a decade has passed. At 20 years old, I recall that memory still as fragmented and disordered as when I was 18, and I'm still unwilling to think about it.

  It's just like watching a movie, even if the whole process is very happy and pleasant, but the ending is a tragedy. As soon as I see such a plot introduction, I will give up decisively, because the previous happiness will make the tragedy more unbearable.

  My memories passed by the river of lights outside the car window, and in just a few red lights, I had already gone through the plot of over a decade. The heart-wrenching emotions that made me lose sleep and appetite back then were no longer there. I had never recalled my past with him so calmly before, and it seemed... not as difficult to face as I had imagined.

  I couldn't help but smile at the faint shadow of myself reflected in the car window: We had over 300 days of quarrels, over 1,000 days of losing contact, and nearly 400 days and nights of being in the same city without seeing or contacting each other. Who would still remember that I once liked him?

  Time can wear away even love; how much more so a little sentimentality?

  What I couldn't face was just my lingering regret, although not to the point of hatred, but I still resented him... So many years have passed, and I've tried hard to make many things more than just talk, but I still don't understand that thing he questioned me about, called "love", and also... can't truly love anyone.

  Maybe it takes him one sentence to become a legend, and it may take ten or twenty years to meet the person who can love him.

  This sentence is really vicious.

  The car shuttled through the city, all the way prosperous.

  I turned my head to look at the neon lights outside the window, constantly alternating, trying not to pay too much attention to him, lest memories flood in and I couldn't stop thinking.

  After leaving the crowded business district, he heard his voice lightly asking: "Have you eaten? Accompany me to eat a meal."

  I tilted my head and looked at him with some confusion. The Su Hao I knew never spoke nonsense, so did his previous question make sense? It was clearly not a request for advice, and the car had already gone in the opposite direction of my home, so what was the point of asking that question?

  I turned my head and continued looking out of the window, hearing him ask again: "Chaoyang said you submitted a leave of absence application, why?"

  Shut up, Ah Yang's big mouth.

  It's already ridiculous to turn black into white, but to exaggerate it as well, when in fact it's just a slightly longer fake strip.

  But there's no need to explain these things to him.

  I just shook my head, neither admitting nor denying: "I just don't want to read anymore."

  Are you sulking?