Chapter 11: Ruth

  It hurts so much... My eyes hurt so much. What was poked into them? What was dug out of them?

  It hurts so much... It really hurts so much...

  Chapter 11: Ruth

  "Dad, where is Mom?"

  "Mom went to a very far away place and won't come back."

  At that time, I didn't understand the meaning of Dad's words. It wasn't until that day when I accidentally saw Mom and a strange man being intimate in a restaurant that I realized Mom was really not coming back. She took away a lot of money from Dad and disappeared from my and Dad's world.

  From then on, I didn't like women as animals anymore. But I still couldn't resist the temptation of the opposite sex physically. I wondered if Adam ever hated Eve? But even if he did, for reproduction, he had to keep "liking" Eve all the time. Maybe Eden wasn't as beautiful as imagined.

  I started living alone with my dad since I was 4 years old. It was a happy time, every day my dad would pick me up and drop me off at school; play baseball with me; and he never hit or scolded me. I thought maybe without mom, my life became better. But dad didn't think so. From some point on, dad often locked himself in the room for a long time. Every time I saw him again, he looked thinner. Until one day, I peeked through the door and found out that dad was sniffing some white powder, with a very happy expression. Dad's happiness made me happy; his joy made me even happier. Maybe those white powders were substitutes for mom in dad's lonely life, becoming his new "woman". But it couldn't do household chores, all of which were still done by dad.

  I don't know why, but one day my dad didn't come to school to pick me up, so I came back home alone. When I got home, I knocked on the door for a long time, but Dad didn't come to open it. Maybe Dad wasn't at home. I sat at the entrance and waited from dawn till dusk. Finally, it was our neighbor who called someone from a lock-opening company to open the door of my house. My dad was inside; he hadn't gone out. He lay on the floor in the living room, with something like milk flowing out of his mouth, white powder scattered all over the place, and an old mouse gnawing at Dad's fingers.

  "Dad... what's wrong? Dad... wake up!" I called out many times, but dad didn't move. His eyes were wide open, staring straight at me without blinking. It was then that I realized, dad's body had already turned cold. Later, even later, some small bugs started crawling on dad's body...

  Later that night, some police came into my home and took Dad away. After that, Dad never came back. That day, I didn't cry because I was too tired and fell asleep quickly in the room filled with Dad's smell; but every day after that, I cried, crying all night long, until finally, I didn't even know why I was crying anymore.

  After that, I started living alone. I refused adoption because I would rather be alone than with strangers. But every time I see my classmates with their dads and moms, every time I hear them talk about going to Disneyland with their dads and moms, even when I see my classmates being scolded by their dads until they cry... My teeth will bite my lips until they bleed, because only then can I force myself not to let those salty things come out. Once I leave school and am alone at home, those things are no longer under my control, constantly flowing out. Crying is really tiring. But I couldn't give myself a reason not to cry. Maybe that's just my sad fate.

  When I was 18, I went to college, a very ordinary university in Manhattan. At that time, my website - Luoren Forum had been established and was on the right track; I also spent every day with my second girlfriend, enjoying the nourishment of love. From then on, I hadn't cried for a long, long time. Until I broke up with my second girlfriend, until the money left by my father was used up, until the school ordered me to drop out because I couldn't pay the tuition, I didn't cry. In other people's eyes, this is strong; but I myself am very clear, it's not. This is just a Luoren, looking down on life.

  After going through so many things, no one had ever appeared in front of me to comfort me; until I broke up with my third girlfriend, until the New York serial murder case happened, that guy named JACK showed up, he gave me the greatest comfort. Or rather, he gave me the greatest fear. More than every breakup, more than being expelled from college, more than my dad's death, a hundred times more terrifying... This made me swallow my pride and go see a psychologist; had to give up my dignity and take a small white pill. You know, my least favorite color is white.

  But after I swallowed those white pills, the world became quiet. I seemed to be immersed in a silent ocean, carefree and at ease. Quietness is the ultimate state I've been pursuing. But I didn't know that quietness would come with such a huge price. This price wasn't just the intense pain in my left eye, but a complete upheaval of my entire life from then on.

  December 2011 · New York · Manhattan

  Rus opened his trembling eyelids to find himself lying on a dark and bloody street, instead of in his bed at home. "Where am I... how did I get here? It hurts so much... my eyes..." As Rus's consciousness cleared up, he felt an unprecedented severe pain in his left eye, a pain more intense than death itself. Rus reached out with his hand to touch his left eye, and some red liquid stuck to his fingers, scorching hot yet icy cold. Only then did he realize that the eyeball of his left eye was gone. "Ahh... ahh..." Rus's anguished cry echoed through the boundless night sky, his scream not only because of the lost eyeball but also because of what his other eye saw in front of him.

  His ex-girlfriend lay dead in the middle of the street, naked, with every inch of skin gone except for her face. Every muscle and blood vessel was exposed without any cover. Her skin had been stripped off like clothes! A card with a picture of Cupid, the angel of love, was left next to the shocking corpse. Cupid's smile remained pure and innocent under the bloody stain. Russ's teeth began to tremble as he couldn't believe what he saw was real; nor did he dare think about why he found himself in such a fiery hell.

  Just then, a voice sounded in Rush's ear -

  "Drop your weapon, you're surrounded!" Seven police cars had somehow formed a circle around Russ, with fully armed officers pointing their guns directly at him. The previously quiet environment suddenly became extremely noisy. "Repeat, drop your weapon! Surrender! You're surrounded!"

  "A gun...?" A bewildered Rus lowered his head subconsciously, only to find that his right hand was tightly gripping a pistol.