My past with Xiao Ying

  I have to mention Xiaoying, because she occupied the most important position in my military career from start to finish. When I finally took off my uniform for the last time, I was able to thoroughly get rid of my spiritual dependence on her and dare to face new life. Although I occasionally dream of her, her face has become blurred.

  Xiao Ying was the first girl I liked, and in my life, she will always be a dreamy incarnation. Many years have passed, I shuttled between different girls, and many girls also shuttled between my different residences in different cities; until recently, I still revolved around two girls. One is married, one is not, one is used to coming during the day, and one is used to coming at night. This is my current real life status, plus busy work, I don't have time to reminisce about the past, recall youth.

  But now a new situation has emerged, and that is none of them will come. This virus sweeping China has made many people stay at home, including me, and including them. I never call them my women because they don't belong to me, and I don't belong to them either.

  When I have free time, my mind has a lot of idle time. After eating and sleeping, after waking up and eating, the remaining time is spent staring at the TV screen or computer screen. I started thinking about Xiao Ying, if she were here, what would my doghouse be like? I watched Quentin for a long time, but when I saw it, I was surprised. Because the living conditions he described are very similar to mine, such as never letting women spend the night in their own home. That's me. But Xiao Ying can stay overnight with me if she wants to, and I'm willing to snuggle up in her arms.

  Actually, I have never touched her. I had a crush on Xiaoying since the third grade of elementary school. At that time, she was the leader of our school's morning exercises, the little girl who led the exercises on stage during class breaks. Who else could it be besides Xiaoying? Many of us young boys had a crush on her.

  Me too.

  A small image flies like a butterfly, I wrote poems for her to chase after like bees... but only in my heart, she never read them later. Later when we were in junior high school, we finally ended up in the same class and sat at the same desk.

  Later...

  Memories always seem to deviate, and when we recall the past, we often unknowingly beautify our first love. I'm no exception to this cliché. So, I'll avoid some descriptions, as they're redundant. You can just recall your own first loves. Later on, we fell in love.

  We were really innocent, going to school together, coming home from school together, doing homework together, nothing else. Sometimes in class we would hold hands secretly, but privately no one dared, especially when we were alone together. I was very shy at that time, not like later on, when I had no qualms about girls.

  She cared about me like a sister, and I relied on her like a younger brother. Later, I went to a key high school, and she went to an ordinary high school. Even later, I really had a girlfriend and also had intimate relationships. I thought I had forgotten about Xiaoying. When we met again, it was during the days when I dropped out of school and sold pirated discs at home. The small shop I opened was just across from their family's large courtyard. I didn't know she had moved here. She liked music and movies, so that's how we reunited. There was no awkwardness, and I didn't have any feelings either.

  But I have dreamed of her.

  When I knew she was going to join the army, the situation was a bit tense, with frequent military exercises in the southeastern coastal areas and all sorts of rumors flying around. Suddenly, I realized that I was so dependent on her existence. In fact, thinking back, all the girlfriends I had found were of the same type as Xiaoying.

  Up till now, the girls I like are all long-haired, fair-skinned, slender and gentle. Like recently when I was idle at home, every day boringly watching Elv, a new female singer named Wang Xinling came out, and I immediately fell in love with her. Although at my age I shouldn't be infatuated with this kind of young girl, but I still like her to the point of being unable to help myself.

  Because she looks like Xiaoying.

  I joined the army because of Xiaoying, and she haunted my entire military career. As a result of my mood, I'll insert a section here, and below is still the story of me and Lao Pao.