Sorry, I love you guys

  Saturday, April 3, 2010 cloudy

  I am Xia Mi Mi, and I'm attending my own funeral.

  In the photo, I'm smiling brightly in the sunlight, my head tilted foolishly, and my two eyes curved into two small crescent moons. I feel deeply gratified by this photo, I think it must have been suggested by Tuti and Xiaogroup, because I had expressed extreme disgust at the formal, bare-headed photos taken at funerals.

  Everyone here looks like they're on the verge of collapse, men and women, old and young, familiar or unfamiliar, except for Wei Xingyun and me.

  Of course, I am no longer considered human.

  Wei stood there like a wooden statue, in front of him was my coffin, surrounded by a large patch of sunflowers. I knew who sent them, even though he didn't come today.

  I once told that person, my favorite flower is sunflower, because they always look radiant and always face the sunshine.

  Now, my body is lying in this sea of flowers, I don't know if it's the credit of the cold storage or the makeup artist, but I look almost like a living person. Of course, I have tried to lie on myself, hoping for a miracle to happen, and I open my eyes again, scaring everyone here.

  However, a person's life probably only has one chance for a miracle to occur. In my short 22-year life, it has already occurred once, so naturally, I am unable to return to my own body.

  Not long ago on a certain day, I was still discussing with Wei Xingyun about the topic of the end of the world.

  "If 2012 really comes, are you afraid?" I asked him.

  Wei Xingyun was standing behind me while I was surfing the internet, "Don't be afraid."

  "Aren't you afraid of death?" I leaned in close to him.

  "I'm not afraid."

  He didn't seem to be perfunctory, I thought for a moment, hugged his waist, "Hmm, I'm not afraid either, anyway, you'll be there when the time comes."

  But now I'm dead, and Wei Xingyun is no longer by my side.

  I'm so scared.

  I can recall every single thing that happened before I died, many small details are still vivid in my mind. But the only thing I couldn't remember is why I chose to die.

  I still remember that evening, the patter of light rain outside the window, the sky was somewhat gloomy, and my own frustration had made me start to dislike myself. Work wasn't going well, too many things were weighing on my mind but couldn't be completed; I had a falling out with my good friend Xiaoqun, and we hadn't been in touch for almost half a month; losing my wallet and phone made me so angry that I wanted to go back to my university days and post flyers all over the streets cursing those thieves...

  I think I need to be more positive and optimistic.

  Wei Xingyun was originally a very quiet person, and these days I've been feeling down. Our communication has become less and less. I tried to put on a smile and speak in a light tone, wanting to make myself appear more positive.

  The Qingming Festival has a three-day holiday, although it's not long, but it's also a rare small long vacation. I proposed to him that we go to a nearby place to play for two days, Fenghuang or Guilin, relax and then return on the last night of the holiday.

  He was eating and paused for a moment, saying "Maybe there's no time."

  I pursed my lips, although a bit unhappy, still managed to force a smile, "It's okay, we can go on May 1st too."

  I try not to force him to do things he doesn't want to. Actually, I'm just saying this to give myself an excuse, who knows if I'll still be willing to go out when the weather gets hot on May 1st.

  But he raised his head and looked at me, seriously saying: "May Day will probably be busy too."

  Although I knew he was always honest, he didn't even want to make excuses and directly refused me. The dense rain outside the window suddenly made my heart messy too.

  Then we both fell silent.

  He finished his meal, stood up and put away his bowl and chopsticks, hesitated for a moment, and asked me: "Want to go out for a walk?"

  After dinner, I always drag him out for a walk. Most of the time he is reluctant, but this time he suddenly suggested it, and I know he means well. But, whether it's the rain outside or my own pride, I suddenly burst out, refusing to give in.

  I scolded him for only caring about work and not me, not treating me like a girlfriend, always ignoring my existence, refusing to spend time with me, making me sing solo... Throughout this process, he remained silent, which made me angrier and angrier, until I finally shouted: "You never loved me at all! Wei Xingyun, if you're really that unwilling, don't force yourself."

  This kind of talk is really like the lines that the tragic female supporting character in those TV dramas my mom always watches would shout out.

  However, he helplessly looked at me, "Xia Mi Mi, don't be unreasonable."

  I was so furious that I couldn't control myself and finally stormed out of the door.

  Days of depression and long-term endurance suddenly burst out, I ran to my good friend Tutu's house crying loudly, but couldn't say those harsh words again. I looked at Tutu with some panic, "What should I do, what if Wei Xingyun really doesn't want me anymore?"

  Tutu handed over a box of tissues, "Mengmeng, don't be so worried for no reason. Don't worry, sleep tight, and I guarantee everything will be fine tomorrow."

  My heart was anxious, but as I cried and cried, I finally fell asleep.

  I seemed to fall asleep like this and never woke up again. Because of what happened later, I don't remember anything at all.

  I don't know how I got out of bed, how I went home, what happened on the way, and why I wanted to commit suicide. The police couldn't figure it out, and neither can I.

  I have always been strong-willed and impulsive, with emotions expressed openly, but I never thought that even I would do something as foolish as attempting suicide.

  Looking at Wei Xingyun's silent and handsome face, I thought that perhaps he was now regretting why he had quarreled with me, why he hadn't stopped me, and why he hadn't stayed home the next day... Or perhaps, in his heart, there was still a hint of relief, finally getting rid of the big troublemaker Xia Miomi.

  I knew it, I always knew it, Wei Xingyun never loved me.

  Thinking of this, I feel like crying, but ghosts don't have tears, so I couldn't cry.

  But if another ghost were to pass by me at this moment, it would definitely see an expression on me that's even uglier than crying.

  "Mengmeng, you're really stupid. What's wrong with telling us what's going on and solving it together? Why did you have to choose this path..." My college roommate Yang Dan sobbed. If she hadn't put on that exquisite bare makeup today, I think her performance would be even more realistic."

  Our relationship has always been ordinary, she can't stand my straightforward and impulsive temper, I look down on her pretentious and artificial personality. Previously, we were competing for a postgraduate entrance quota, in the end she won, and I was so angry that I didn't even take the exam, and directly went to find a job.

  No one echoed her words, perhaps she was really sad for me, but true sorrow cannot be described in language. Moreover, she cried so fake, I had told her before that she was not suitable for acting.

  She was accompanied by her good friend Xiaoyou and Tutu, who were also my university roommates. They had cried uncontrollably, with Xiaoyou collapsing into her boyfriend's arms. In fact, we had been at odds for the past few days. I blamed her for being too focused on romance and neglecting our friendship, while she accused me of being overly possessive and having unrealistic expectations of our friendship.

  But at this moment, my dissatisfaction with her has vanished into thin air. I just want to tell her not to cry, my dear friend. If possible, I'd like you to know that all of you are the most precious treasures in my heart.

  Xie Xiang, Yang Can, Lu Minran... People who used to not even be able to gather for class reunions were all present here. The boys had red eyes and were holding back tears, while the girls had already burst into tears. Including Li Xue, whom I didn't really want to see.

  I want to hug each and every one of them, but I am no longer able to do so.

  Wei Xingyun's mother and my mother both cried until they were hoarse. My mother fell into my father's arms, while my father, this was probably the first time in 22 years that I saw him cry in front of me, his face suddenly aged with tears all over it, he held my mother tightly, but himself could hardly stand upright.

  I stood in front of them, wanting to reach out and wipe away the tears on their faces, but somehow I couldn't touch them.

  I can only say "sorry" over and over again, a word that they will never be able to hear.

  Sorry, sorry, sorry.

  Sorry, mom.

  Sorry, Dad.

  I'm sorry to make you so sad;

  Sorry I won't be able to spend our old age together;

  Sorry, I love you guys.

  When my body was about to be sent for cremation, my mother suddenly pushed away my father and rushed up like a madman, wanting to stop everyone.

  She struggled to pick me up and tried to carry my corpse away from here.

  "Come on, come on, Mom is taking you home."

  People on both sides rushed up, wanting to separate us, but surprisingly no one could pull her away.

  My funeral has descended into chaos.

  Countless people pass through my body and walk forward, I want to stop them, I want to scream loudly, I have never been so helpless, and I have never longed for someone to perceive my existence.

  But in the end, I opened my mouth wide and cried wildly, but no tears flowed from my eyes.

  I will never, ever have tears again.

  My body was finally reduced to ashes in the crematorium.

  I, Xia Mi Mi, died on March 27th, 2010. I still love this world, love my parents, love my friends... love Wei Xing Yun.

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