Chapter Fifty

  Yu Xiaoqing was a bit displeased, "Am I good to eat?"

  "When we sent out troops, there was a mistake in the plan and they dispersed. I was doing logistics work for the first battalion, and this time when I went to Burma, it was the same. When Vice-Commander Qi and I arrived in Burma, the main force had already left. Vice-Commander Qi was killed by stray bullets at the British airport. There were many scattered soldiers around the airport, and the British didn't want to take care of them, so I wore Vice-Commander Qi's uniform." He stopped talking abruptly, and we knew what he was thinking of.

  What happened next was our common fate, a lunatic gathered the remaining gunpowder of the Sichuan Army Corps, even the gunpowder of another division and another army, and then in one day and night, they were all destroyed on the west bank of the Nujiang River.

  Yu Xiaoqing fell silent. Everyone was silent, the battle that just passed was like many battles that had just passed, leaving us with only silence.

  "You're trying to save your own life." Yu Xiaoqing sounded a bit tired, "You're cunning like a ghost, you know that a person who falls into Myanmar can't even survive for a day, so you brought a group with you."

  Dead dead acknowledged: "Yes."

  "Why do people like you always have to live?"

  "Yes."

  "Do you know your sin?"

  "I killed an entire squad."

  "It's not just that. I suppose you don't care about the others either." Yu Xiaoqing looked somewhat regretful, "I gave you a chance to die heroically at the South Heavenly Gate, why did you come back?"

  Die, die, look at us, "because the people I pulled back haven't died yet." He thought for a moment and said, "No, fake, what I was thinking at that time was that if we continued to fight, it would be death for death. I know I've done a lot of evil, but I shouldn't die, everyone is the same, I'm working so hard just to come back alive."

  "Besides, you've got the habit of leading troops. Since you can exchange a mere lieutenant's rank for a whole mule load of goods, you must have big ambitions to lead an army," said Yu XiaoWei.

  "Yes." Diediedei admitted.

  Yu Xiaoqing nodded, he now had a look that said he could rest easy, his attendants were very understanding, they brought out the handcuffs again and put them back on him.

  Yu Xiaoqing looked at him, but did not show any opposition.

  I stand behind a table; if this court were a bit more formal, this place would be called the witness stand.

  "I am a student soldier," I said.

  Yu Xiaoqing waved his hand at his attendants, he didn't seem to be in a good mood towards me. "They are all students who joined the army. Zhang Lixian, which year did you follow me?"

  Zhang Lixian replied: "In '91, that year I was 16 years old, and you were still a regimental commander. Yu Zhihe and Li Bing were the next year, in '28. He Shuguang was after Lugou Bridge."

  Yu Xiaoqing turned his head and looked at me, asking: "Did you hear?"

  I am silent.

  I hate it, but that's how I've been since childhood - when I boast about my strength, someone will come and find someone stronger than me; when I complain about my misfortune, someone will count the ones who are more unfortunate than me. I live my life without comparing to others. We're living like zombies, using our own ruler to measure the world.

  Yu Xiaoqing awakened my deep thought, "Huh?"

  "I said, when I was a student, I thought about joining the army to fight against the Japanese invaders. In my mind's eye, everyone was charging forward together, and I was one of them. When I became a soldier, I really did charge forward. The hot air from the incoming artillery shells, the inexplicable chill in the air behind me... I turned around to look, and I was alone, while others were enjoying themselves in the trenches."

  Many people were laughing and it seemed like many people were familiar with this scene, but I didn't laugh, Yu Xiaoqing didn't either.

  "I'm not charging forward anymore, I think only fools charge first, and I'm not the second fool. But someone has to charge. As a squad leader, my specialty is stirring up new recruits and getting them to charge forward, while the old soldiers follow behind to reap the benefits or save their lives. The lives of old soldiers are precious, especially those who have survived several battles without dying. They're even more precious because they've become familiar with you, like brothers. New recruits usually get wiped out after one charge, and it's better not to get too close to them, they're just cannon fodder. I've lost count of how many new recruits I've sent to their deaths...it's over a hundred. After a while, I started feeling guilty about it. I wanted someone to lead us forward together, without suspicion or distrust, but that person didn't exist. We were still arguing and cursing at each other, no one trusted anyone else, we were brave but weak. But now we have someone like that, he almost led us alive to the east shore..."

  Yu Xiaoqing interrupted me, "Get out."

  I was stunned for a moment, he didn't have any expression at all, I had no choice but to think that I misheard, "I..."

  "Go down."

  I struggled to say: "I haven't finished yet. I want to say..."

  Yu Xiaoqing interrupted me again, "No need to listen to you spouting nonsense from your belly. You've prepared a whole bellyful of straw to waste our time, but can't make anything clear. Have you learned anything? Student soldier. Do you think people here should follow you just because you're so garrulous? Trying to intimidate us with tragic stories? Put this sentence into your straw-filled brain - today I'm being civilized, I didn't bring my knife, and I've used it to chop countless people who deserved or didn't deserve it. I started chopping at 17 and stopped at 34, not that I'm afraid of scaring the likes of you. Get out."

  He Shuguang then came over and dragged me down, I struggled a bit, I was furious but powerless.

  "But I have so much to say!"

  Yu Xiaoqing ignored him, and Tang Ji smiled slightly, "Young people, there are too many things to say, think carefully about what you want to say."

  I'm so exhausted that I've lost the energy to struggle, and obediently returned to my group. I sneaked a glance at the deadpan guy standing beside me, who was watching Yu Xiaoqing and my dispute with an air of being deep in thought, but that deep-in-thought expression was almost not an attitude.

  My crowd stared at me in dismay, they were disappointed beyond measure.

  The puzzled dragon asked me: "What's going on? Can't you speak?"

  "I want him dead. He won't let us speak." I said.

  The scoundrels readily believed it and took it for granted, a deep concern appeared on their faces, I squeezed past them in dismay and sat down in the empty chair behind.

  This is probably what they wanted, now we all don't know what to say, prepared a lot of words, but it's said that it's just straw... The most annoying thing is, it really is straw, and can be easily blown away by Yu Xiaoqing with two strokes.

  I'm like an actor who has never rehearsed and is now speaking in a high-pitched voice, trying to deceive the most discerning audience. We are all very weak, thieves can talk, but they can't make themselves clear.

  So I just stood there like a backstage actor, watching the backs of those people, sometimes through their gaps I could see expressionless Yu Xiaoqing, Tang Ji with his hair blown by the wind and Si La with a thoughtful look, the first two were holding a list to determine the next batch of straw among us.

  Another bundle of straw is Hao Shouyi, the old fellow standing in the witness stand, facing the judging table with those ambiguous eyes, the old fellow has a constipated expression.

  "...I've been thinking, what's wrong with him? They say at fifty you know your fate, I'm already fifty-six and still don't know my fate, in four years I'll be sixty, the age of obedience, and I've always been trying to make it come smoothly...". The old man suddenly became agitated, "But I really don't know what's wrong with him!..."

  Yu Xiaoqing shouted: "Get down."

  Hao the veterinarian couldn't take it anymore, "I imagined him to be like that, I couldn't even do it! A dying person asked me for mutton and I gave them pork instead...even a dead person was cheated..."

  Yu Xiaoqing ordered his attendants: "He Shuguang, Yu Zhi, ask this uncle to step down."

  Hao Shouyi was taken away by He Shuguang and several others.

  Another bundle of straw, the mourning star stood on the trial bench, big eyes facing small eyes. Perhaps the mourning star's horse stance was indeed very stable, but now he is in a daze. He only stares blankly and refuses to speak.

  Yu Xiaoqing could only tilt his head and look at him, "Huh?"

  Then the gate star fell to his knees with a thud and wailed loudly: "Injustice! Oh, great heavens!"

  "Get out of here!"

  Another bundle of straw standing there, with a sincere face supporting this guy's Hunan boy's lawless and cunning nature.

  "I always thought he was from Hunan." said Not Spicy.

  "What?"

  The non-spicy Hunan accent is now even thicker, "He's quite capable. I've always suspected he's from Hunan. You know, there's a saying that goes like this - I'm in trouble now - it was written by that Za Ha who was executed earlier and sent back to his hometown... China will be finished, the people of Hunan will die out first."

  Yu Xiaoqing didn't say "go on" this time, but instead asked curiously: "Oh, which part of Hunan are you from?"

  That flattery has reached the point of being shameless, Baoqing. Paper-thin Changsha, iron-strong Baoqing. Master, where are you from in Hunan? If not, then it's your old hometown...

  "Get out!"

  A big bundle of straw stood there, choking its neck and shouting: "I won't go down!"

  We were all stunned and remained seated because no one had spoken yet.

  Yu Xiaoqing said: "I didn't tell you to go down."

  So the dragon got its way, first glanced at us with a triumphant look, then turned back and said: "I told you so?"

  "I didn't say you can't speak."

  The dragon was full of Northeastern slang, "Only a stupid c*nt would give him a guilty verdict. I think that's the case, there are more and more people who deserve to die..."

  Yu Xiaoqing shouted: "Take it down!"

  The dragon was beaten down most severely, being clubbed down with a rifle butt.

  We hung our heads in despair, and even sat down, most of us had already given up hope, and now the one standing on top was the person among us who should have been the least hopeful - A Yi.

  A Yi stood there, more wretched than the most wretched mourning star. His whole body was trembling and his eyes were brimming with tears that seemed to be on the verge of falling at any moment.

  The dragon rubbed the bruises on his body and said, "Don't cry, damn it."

  A Di heard more than half of it, and he immediately burst into tears, crying so hard that big drops of tears fell to the ground.

  Yu Xiaoqing didn't even feel like talking anymore, and instead tilted her head back to rub her face which was pinched too hard. Director Chen coughed.

  "Hey, Lieutenant Lin, take it easy."

  "He is guilty."

  Yu Xiaoqing was startled, and this was also an astonishing statement. Tang Ji would never let anyone see his unexpected side, he smiled and said: "It's not that I want you to sentence him. You continue."

  "But if I'm lucky enough in three lifetimes..."

  Yu Xiaoqing asked: "What?"

  "If I were lucky enough to have three lives, and could commit all the sins he has committed, I would rather die."

  We were all stunned, staring at the guy, and he was still crying. Yu Xiaoqing or Tang Ji didn't say anything else, Yu Xiaoqing even tapped his fingers lightly on the table, waiting.

  Tang Ji said: "Go on."

  He simply pointed at us with a gesture of desperation.

  "I'd rather die than be like them, with bubbles in my brain, not thinking, just muddling along." Then he pointed to the corpse five meters away with the same hand, "I want to be like him. ——If I really can't become like him, I'll die now."

  Tang Ji responded ambiguously with a hum, while Yu Xiaoqing continued to tap his desk lightly. We sat in embarrassed silence, listening to A Yi's sobbing.

  "We don't want to be the kind of people we are becoming, so although Ah Yi and his gang are just talking nonsense and have the most muddled brains among us, he accurately expressed our thoughts."

  I envy him, thinking that should be my words to say, but I also wonder if it's really what I want to say? Yu Xiaoqing says I'm full of nonsense, Tang Ji says I have too much to say, and I'm always wondering what I really want to tell myself.

  The truck overturned on the road.

  There is no escort vehicle for this return trip.

  We were in the car, either sitting or lying down, tossing and turning, those who were lying down fell onto those who were sitting, and those who were sitting fell onto those who were lying down.

  Among us were also squeezed some rice, flour and food that had been replenished this time. What was amazing was that there was even a basketball and a basket hoop.

  The car on the way back was very bumpy, and what was thrown onto the car with us included half a month's worth of rations and a basketball hoop awarded by Vice-Commander Tang as a special prize. He said it was for physical exercise and national defense, to cultivate sentiment - but the car was still very bumpy.

  Ah Yan didn't make it clear what kind of person Si La Si La was, and there was no verdict because the court had already adjourned without a verdict, nor was he shot, because there was no verdict.

  So we were being stirred by the driver while stirring our own porridge in our heads.

  She shouted "Someone is going to die!" after another intimate contact with Krupp.

  The Mourning Star nodded in agreement: "Yes. He's a good man, and if you're going to shoot a good man, you have to do it quietly, bang."

  The snake's butt cursed: "I said this dead-headed driver!"

  A bag of rice was thrown onto the body of the mourning star, that's what the puzzled dragon did. "Who are you talking about? You're really a mourning star!"

  The Mourning Star didn't look like a obedient citizen at this moment, he pulled out a horse step and prepared to fight, but it was obvious that he hadn't practiced his horse steps on a car that could easily throw people into a mess. He was thrown into the arms of Veterinary Hǎo.

  I was knocked over onto A Yi's body in the same upheaval, and yet A Yi was lost in thought, with a dazed expression and red, swollen eyes.

  "If I tell you now that you can't become a person like him, and everyone raises their hands to say so, and the ones raising their hands are all the bastards except you, would you really die right now?" I asked him.

  A Yi immediately looked at me with an alert expression.

  I said, "I'm not trying to hurt you, A Yi, I'm just curious, really."

  "If I asked them, 'You can't become a person like him,' everyone except you would raise their hands." Ah Yi retorted.

  "I said: 'Don't exclude me. I will also raise my own hand, because I don't want to be a son of a bitch like him.'"

  "Really?"

  "Uh-huh."

  So we glared at each other like a pair of bulls. I held on and didn't let him see what was in my eyes.

  "Ai is rarely able to hurt me, such as at times like this."

  "But if you keep stuttering with him, after a while he'll start stuttering too. Then when you speak fluently again, he'll get even more stuttery. That's Ah Yi, a net with holes that are too big, the big fish don't get caught and the small fish all escape."

  He finally opened up and admitted that his persistence had become an obsession.

  "You are all turtles, he is not. So I want to be like him, and I can become someone like him." Ah Yi looked at the rugged stones by the roadside outside the car and said, "Even if I jump down now, I will become someone like him."

  "Alright alright. Don't gloat anymore. I lost, you won."

  A Yi expressed his unyielding spirit in a stubborn way, while also saying that whoever calls out "Die, die" will definitely die. We are vaguely awakened and then vaguely return, Yunnan has many clouds, but only A Yi, who lives a life as soft as cotton, would think this has anything to do with us.

  It was incredible that Mi Long and Wang Menxing were exchanging blows in silence while I was talking to A Yi, with one punch and one kick. The damage from the fight wasn't too great on the bumpy bus, but people would eventually get hurt. When A Yi and I stopped speaking, those two rolled around on the grain sacks again.

  "I've had it in for you for a long time!"

  Hao Shouyi scolded, "Don't you want to live a good life? This is all grain!"

  Krupp actively snatched the grain bags from under those two. I looked at the distant mountain scenery behind the car.

  I bid farewell to the dead and dying, a thousand people died, but there are still twenty or so shameless ones who got to live. My heart finally hurts a bit, because I just discovered his interestingness.

  We've already cooked dinner, Kuroba's bowl completely covered his face as he dug in.

  He put down his bowl, belched half a burp, just half, and said: "I'm hungry."

  We all ignored him and silently ate our meal.