Chapter Twelve Whoever loves first loses

  Back in her dormitory, Zheng Wei's face was no longer clouded with gloom. She suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to see Ruan Ruan immediately and share all her thoughts with her best friend. In fact, not long after their quarrel, Zheng Wei had already stopped being angry with Ruan Ruan. She knew that Ruan Ruan couldn't possibly have anything going on with Chen Xiao Zheng. Now she realized that she was just too concerned about herself, afraid that the boy who had unknowingly captured her heart might think someone else was more important than her. She had wanted to make up with Ruan Ruan for a long time but couldn't bring herself to do so, and Ruan Ruan's indifference made it hard for her to start a conversation. Now she couldn't care about that anymore, her strong desire to confide in someone growing more urgent as the end of class approached. But even after the class was over, Ruan Ruan still didn't return immediately, making Zheng Wei somewhat anxious. She asked

  Zhu Xiaobei went out to fetch water, "Xiaobei, why hasn't Ruan Ruan come back yet?"

  Zhu Xiaobei was baffled, "How would I know? I didn't tie a rope around her waist." As she saw Zheng Wei's disheartened expression, she muttered to herself while walking out the door, "It's really strange, just two days ago they were ignoring each other, now they're gazing longingly at each other, how annoying."

  Zheng Wei's heart was racing with anxiety, but instead of waiting for Ruan Ruan, she received a call from Xu Kaiyang. He told her that a new small restaurant had just opened at the school entrance and said it tasted good, inviting her to try it out together. Zheng Wei thought, just waiting like this wasn't going to work, and since she was also hungry, she agreed. She combed her hair and got ready

  When going out, Li Wei Juan asked another sentence, "Have a date with Mr. Xu?"

  Zheng Wei didn't think so, "What's there to be afraid of? We're just going to have dinner together."

  Li Wei Juan smiled enviously, "Who doesn't know about his feelings for you? Yet he never asks me to join him for meals."

  Zheng Wei didn't like hearing this, "I'm not going to waste words with you, I'm leaving."

  As I left, I still heard Li Wei Juan say behind me, "If I were you, I would catch him tight. If this village is missed, there will be no such store. Who knows where to cry later."

  Zheng Wei ignored her and hastily went downstairs, where Xu Kaiyang was already waiting. Seeing Zheng Wei bouncing towards him, he smiled happily. The two of them walked to the school gate, laughing and chatting. In fact, Xu Kaiyang was someone who particularly understood Zheng Wei's tastes. What he said and did always perfectly matched Zheng Wei's thoughts. Being with him felt like being with another version of herself, playing games together with an indescribable sense of ease and comfort. After sitting down in a small, clean restaurant, Xu Kaiyang casually handed a box to Zheng Wei. "Here, it's for you."

  "What is it?" Zheng Wei said curiously as she opened the box, and couldn't help but exclaim "Wow!" Inside the box was a delicate and lovely set of small dolls, obviously taken from the scene of "The Princess and the Pea" in Andersen's Fairy Tales.

  Looking at Zheng's smile and her face lighting up, Xu Kaiyang genuinely felt happy. He knew that the more expensive things she didn't like, but these small things were exactly to her taste.

  "What's this for?" Zheng Wei asked with a hint of childishness as she picked up the doll and fiddled with it.

  Xu Kaiyang said lightly, "My dad came back from Hong Kong a few days ago and brought it back with him. I think you'll like these little things, so I gave them to you. No other reason." He didn't want to tell her that he had asked his father's secretary to run around in Hong Kong for several places to find this Disney limited edition.

  "Thank you, I like it." Zheng Wei didn't understand the pretentious set, what she thought in her heart was all written on her face. She smiled and raised her head, only to find that Xu Kaiyang's eyes had been staring at her intently, which made her suddenly recall Li Wei Juan's words and feel a bit uneasy. "What are you looking at me for?" she scolded.

  Xu Kaiyang's face turned red, and he quickly looked away, saying somewhat embarrassedly: "I didn't see anything, I just think you look really good."

  Zheng Wei heard his words, her ears also felt a few degrees of heat, but she didn't want him to notice this, so she deliberately said fiercely, "Good-looking can't be stared at all the time, or I'll dig out your eyes."

  In the past, when she spoke like this, Xu Kaiyang would obediently remain silent. This time, however, he lowered his head and then looked at her seriously, "I just want to keep looking, always looking, is that okay?"

  Zheng Wei's lips were slightly parted as she stood there, stunned. To be honest, it couldn't be said that she had no idea about Xu Kaiyang's feelings for her. Please forgive a girl's small vanity, but which young girl wouldn't do the same? At a time when everything was still ambiguous, they would willingly close their eyes and cover their ears, enjoying the attention of a not-unpleasant boy, intentionally ignoring those ambiguous thoughts. Zheng Wei was no exception; moreover, she not only didn't dislike Kaiyang, but also quite liked him, willing to share her joys and sorrows with him like good partners. She thought he would never say anything, so she could continue being foolish.

  Xu Kaiyang saw that she hadn't spoken for a long time and couldn't grasp her thoughts, so he hesitated for a moment, took a deep breath, and put his hand on the back of hers.

  Zheng Wei felt the temperature of his palm, as if he had been scalded, and quickly withdrew under the table. Only then did he suddenly wake up and stare at the boy opposite him.

  Her evasive answer heavily hurt Xu Kaiyang. His beautiful eyes quickly dimmed, and he said in extreme confusion, "Weiwei, you don't like it?"

  Zheng Wei's hands were clenched under the table, she was already confused enough today. She had just sorted out her thoughts about Chen Xiao Zheng and hadn't come to a conclusion yet, when Xu Kai Yang appeared, she instinctively wanted to respond vaguely, pretending not to understand his meaning. Then they could continue to be together happily like before. But there was a voice in her heart reminding her that this was wrong, she couldn't be so selfish, or else what's the difference between her and a bad woman?

  She bit her teeth, raised her hand and gently pushed the doll she liked back in front of Xu Kaiyang, saying softly, "No, Kaiyang, I like being with you, but my liking is not the same as yours..."

  Xu Kaiyang was clearly dazed by her evasive answer, but he still vaguely understood what she meant. It wasn't that he hadn't thought of this outcome before, but he liked her straightforwardness and recklessness. He just felt a little unwilling. "Can you tell me why? Is there something wrong with me?" he asked, somewhat hurt.

  "No, no, you're great, really great." Li Wei Juan's words kept echoing in Zheng Wei's mind. In fact, there was no need for others to say anything, she herself knew that Kai Yang was a good boy, from a good family, looked good, and most importantly, had a good personality. Of course, the most important thing was that he would love her with all his heart. It could be imagined that if she nodded at this moment, she should also be happy. But just like Li Wenxiu's thoughts when walking back to Jiangnan with Old Horse - those were all very good, but I just don't love him. What can she do?

  "I, I have someone I like." Zheng Wei thought that since it had come to this point, she might as well just clarify things and say it.

  Xu Kaiyang's face was incredulous, "You have someone you like? Is it that person who went to America? You clearly said you wanted to forget him."

  "It's not him, I have someone else I like."

  "You deceived me, I don't believe it." Xu Kaiyang was also a simple person, he clearly felt that there was no boy closer to Zheng Wei than him, except for the one she had liked since childhood, who was someone he couldn't replace, but that person had already left.

  "I didn't deceive you!" Zheng Wei was slightly provoked. Getting a bit anxious, "It's true, I just realized it too, that person you also know."

  "Who? Who is it?" He couldn't believe that among the people he knew, there was still someone who could snatch away the girl he liked.

  Chen Xiaozheng.

  "Chen Xiao Zheng?" Xu Kai Yang repeated her words foolishly, "The Chen Xiao Zheng from Old Zhang's dormitory?"

  When she heard someone mention this name, Zheng Wei had a strange feeling in her heart, but she still nodded seriously, "Right, it's him."

  Xu Kaiyang was taken aback and couldn't help but laugh, stretching out his hand to touch Zheng Wei's forehead. "Weiwei, even if you're joking, can't you come up with a more convincing reason?" The whole world knew she had an intense dislike for Chen Xiao Zheng.

  Zheng Wei dodged his hand and said, "That's right, it's him, I like him."

  He understood her, and she didn't look like she was joking. Xu Kaiyang took a long time to make his voice sound less strange, "Why? You obviously dislike him, I thought it was someone else, but it's actually him. What's so good about him? Is he better than me?" The feeling of defeat and incredulity made Xu Kaiyang lose his composure too, despite trying to hold back, his tone still had a few points of sharpness.

  The tone of his voice, disapproving of Chen Xiao Zheng, enraged Zheng Wei. She could dislike Chen Xiao Zheng, but she couldn't stand others looking down on him. "That's right, he doesn't have as much money as your family, and he may not be better-looking than you. He isn't better than you in anything, but I love him, and that's what makes you lose to him forever!"

  How hurtful these words are! Perhaps only the ignorance and fearlessness of youth can be so unscrupulous. Zheng Wei's words slipped out of her mouth, and she regretted it immediately. Nevertheless, she knew that was what she truly thought in her heart. Although it wasn't until later that she realized, Kai Yang didn't lose to Chen Xiao Zheng, he lost to her. Just like how she lost to Chen Xiao Zheng, whoever fell in love first would be the one who loses.

  Xu Kaiyang almost immediately stood up, Zheng Wei lowered her head, she thought he would leave in a huff, Xu Kaiyang also thought so, but he took a deep breath and slowly sat back down. "You're really stupid, why did you have to fall in love with him?"

  Zheng Wei felt apologetic towards Kai Yang, but she still said, "You're speaking lightly, is this something I can control?"

  Xu Kaiyang obviously had no way to refute her, so he lowered his head and fiddled with the bowl and chopsticks in front of him. After a while, he said sulkily, "Anyway, I won't give up. You can like him, and I can like you. What he wants is different from what you want, Weiwei. I bet you won't get him."

  Zheng Wei raised his head, "Kai Yang, let's take a look."

  Two people eating a meal, each with their own concerns, the originally good taste was gone. After settling the bill, Xu Kaiyang handed Zheng Wei's doll back to her and said, "I'm not a girl, what do I want this for? Unless you don't consider me a friend, you can return it to me. You're not that petty, are you, Zheng Wei?"

  She thought for a moment and accepted it, "Kaiyang, thank you."

  He stood up with her, "It's nothing much, don't mention it."

  "Not for this." She rarely spoke in a soft voice. He knew what she meant, tapped her head and said again, "Zheng Wei, you're an idiot."

  He said he would take her home, but she refused. The sky had just darkened and it was the busiest time at school. "I want to go for a walk."

  He didn't force her.

  Zheng Wei wandered around the campus alone, just like she did during the day. She felt that all her worries for the past 18 years were not as many as today's. She couldn't understand why human emotions couldn't be like laying a foundation, digging a hole and setting up a stake, each hole having its own stake, each stake finding its own hole, without disappointment, failure or regret, never falling through.

  Unfortunately, no one gave her an answer.

  She walked and walked, then stopped, originally unknowingly walking to the bottom of his dormitory building. She still remembered a few months ago, she had angrily stormed out from here, vowing not to let that despicable guy off, but now at the same place, her mood had changed. But it was also good this way, changing methods, she would still not let him off, thinking of this, she pursed her lips and smiled slightly.

  There were always boys coming down from upstairs to study or rush to appointments, but none of them were him. She continued to wander aimlessly downstairs, not knowing what she wanted to do, just like she didn't know why she liked him. Maybe everyone likes Jade-faced Little Flying Dragon, but only he trampled her underfoot, and she fell in love with her own misfortune, so she was willing to lower her head.

  She suddenly wanted to know what he was doing now? Was it in the dormitory or had he gone to self-study? A sudden surge of impulse made her dial his dormitory phone at the old man who took care of the dormitory downstairs.

  When the "ding... " sound rang out, she still didn't know what to say to him. She thought with a bit of luck that maybe he wasn't there, and at this time he definitely wouldn't be in the dormitory.

  The phone was answered by someone, and she could tell it was another roommate of Old Zhang's. "Who is this... Hello? Can you hear me? Who are you looking for? Say something..."

  Zheng Wei steeled herself and said, "I'm looking for Chen Xiao Zheng..." But in her heart, she was screaming, "Don't be there, don't be there, best not to be there, definitely not there."

  "Wait a minute?"

  Her mind went blank for a few seconds, and then she heard that familiar voice from her dreams, a little low and clear, "Hello, who is this?"

  "You, you... I, I am... no, I..." She muttered incoherently, almost biting her own tongue, her palms sweating nonstop. How embarrassing, this is going to be a huge loss of face.

  She had originally thought of pretending to have dialed the wrong number and hanging up, but unexpectedly he still recognized her voice. "Zheng Wei? What do you want?" His unexpectedness and wariness were clear through the receiver. Zheng Wei's boldness and thick skin finally played a normal role at this time. "I need something from you, I'm downstairs, come down." She didn't give him time to refuse before hanging up the phone with a click.

  Then he stood in front of the public phone's small window, covering his face with both hands and staring blankly.

  "Five cents." She must have seen too many sentimental young couples, and the old man in her dormitory ruined the mood by reminding her of such a trivial matter when she was contemplating important life issues.

  Zheng Wei took out the money and slapped it on the window, then walked to a mango tree in front of the dormitory building. The leaves under the streetlight were dark and shiny, and many flying insects circled blindly around the streetlight. She felt like she had waited for an eternity, forget it, he wouldn't be so stupid as to deliver himself to her doorstep. Thinking this, yet not hurrying to leave, she just kept pacing back and forth under that mango tree.

  "What are you up to now?" She turned her head abruptly at the sound, and he stood two meters away from her with a safe distance, expressionless, holding books in both hands.

  He was a local, and in Zheng Wei's impression, most people from Lingnan were dark-skinned, short, with high cheekbones and thick lips. Chen Xiao's skin tone was also slightly darker, but he had a tall and slender build, with a gaunt face, deep eye sockets characteristic of southerners, a straight nose bridge, thin lips, and an overall appearance that was clear and refined.

  She didn't realize she was staring blankly at him until he furrowed his brow, "If you're okay, I'll leave now. Hopefully next time we meet, we can go back to not knowing each other."

  He saw her not answering and turned around to leave.

  "Wait, I have something to say." She hastily called out to him.

  He suppressed his impatience and turned back, looking at her in an unusual state of being hesitant and evasive, "What do you want to say?"

  Zheng Wei lowered her head, a mango leaf fell on her shoulder, and she didn't even bother to brush it off. "Chen Xiao Zheng, I found that I have fallen in love with you."

  Many years later, Zheng Wei's most frequently spoken words to young people who had not been in society for long were: "Remember to be humble and prudent, think thrice before acting." She thought back countless times, even she herself didn't like the spoiled girl from before. The arrogance of youth, thinking that everyone would love her, thinking that nothing was unattainable. However, when she thought about this evening, under the dim streetlights on campus, with a fallen leaf still on her shoulder, the girl looked at the boy she loved and said those words in her heart, she suddenly forgave her past self. She was just a foolish child who yearned to love but didn't know how to love. From childhood, everyone pampered her, but that love couldn't make her feel safe or satisfied. She expected a complete, trustworthy emotion, and mistakenly thought that only what she fought for was what she wanted. If youth's recklessness was wrong, then the long loneliness of the following years was the price.

  Her words were clear and audible, each word piercing his ears. Chen Xiao Zheng was startled, and for a moment, his usual calm and collected expression cracked. He stared blankly at Zheng Wei, his finger pointing at her as he stuttered, "Y-you... stop messing around." As soon as he finished speaking, he turned and walked away, leaving behind an air of fleeing in disarray.

  Zheng Wei shook her head to drive away the feeling of loss, it's okay, his reaction is normal. The road is long and winding, I will search up and down, everything has just begun. She cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted loudly at his back, "Chen Xiao Zheng, I'm serious!"

  She seemed to feel him slightly stumble, and smiled with satisfaction. She didn't understand why some people liked playing unrequited love, if you loved someone but didn't tell them, what was the point of everything? This wasn't Little Flying Dragon's style. She had come, she had loved, she had tried her best, knowing that getting it was luck, and not getting it was fate. Of course, when we were young, how could we believe in a destined fate that couldn't be obtained?