Chapter Thirty-Seven

  In the afternoon, when winter's sun cast its last gentle rays on the earth, Wang Xiaoyan walked listlessly along the road of Jing Shan East Street with a bag of books, preparing to return to her dormitory. At this time, Dai Yu, wearing grey cotton-padded jacket and glasses, cut across in front of her and stopped her, saying: "Yan, where are you going?" A faint smile hung on Dai Yu's pale yellow puffy face.

  "You? How come I haven't seen you for a whole week?......" Xiaoyan's eyes widened, her face flushed, and she couldn't help but skip a beat.

  Dai Yu patted her on the back, touched her hand: "Do you have time now? Let's talk."

  "Go back to your dorm?" Xiaoyan adjusted her glasses and looked at him hesitantly.

  "Go for a walk in Beihai. Haven't been there for many days."

  Xiao Yan nodded, Dai Yu took the book from her hand, and they turned towards the front gate of Beihai Park side by side.

  In winter, the park was desolate and cold. They sat down tightly on a long bench beside the railing of the moat.

  Looking around to make sure no one was watching, Dai Yu took Xiao Yan's hand and lightly kissed her on the cheek, gazing at her worried face with dull, lifeless eyes.

  "Yan, what's wrong with you? Your spirit is getting weaker and weaker. Otherwise, let's get married. That way your spirit will be better... You're so stubborn - feudal, treating virginity as sacred. I really can't do anything about you!"

  "Nonsense!" Xiaoyan interrupted his muttering, "I'm not old yet, you always think about that." She smiled lightly and pushed away his hand, saying in a low voice, "I also can't explain why my spirit hasn't been good these days. Juncai, are you mistaken? Wang Zhong isn't a good person, he chases after female classmates, intimidates people, hits people... how could someone like that be a Party member? I don't want him to come and lead us!"

  Dai Yu stepped on the withered grass on the ground and said in a low voice, "Wang Zhong deserves to be criticized. But Yan, you don't understand that underground work is like this, the organization can't supervise too strictly... How about it? Have you found Lin Daojing? What's your relationship with her?"

  "Don't say that anymore!" Xiaoyan said, getting annoyed. "She's not at Beida anymore, where can we find her?" She didn't know why she suddenly said this. Actually, she had met Lin Daojing before, but they just ignored each other. "Juncai, from now on you're not allowed to mention her again. For your sake... I believed you..." She turned her face away, gazing wistfully at the river water that had frozen into a thin layer of ice.

  "No! Xiaoyan, how can you be a party member if you do things based on personal feelings?! Why isn't Lin Daojing here? Are you intentionally pretending to be ignorant?! Let me tell you, not only is she here, but she's also been active recently. Some self-proclaimed progressive elements at Beida have not only been winning over backward classmates, people like Li Huaiying are all being pulled in. Some classmates have really been deceived by their hypocritical slogans of resisting Japan and saving the nation, and unity under a single front. Lin Daojing must be playing a role in this. Don't you know the harm of this?! Are you really irresponsible, allowing them to confuse innocent young people?"

  "I don't see any harm in what they're doing." Xiaoyan muttered softly, "Juncai, are you mistaken? I think you're getting more and more confused. Every time, I want to see you, but I'm also afraid of seeing you. You know how much pain is in my heart..." She lowered her head, fiddling with the hem of her clothes, a tear dropped onto Daiyu's nicotine-stained fingers.

  Two people were silent. Dai Yu lit a cigarette with a lighter and leaned back in his chair, slowly inhaling the smoke. When he was about to finish the cigarette, the sun had only half of its orange-yellow circle left on the western mountain shrouded in mist. At this time, he threw away the cigarette butt, turned his face, and stared at Xiao Yan with a gloomy expression, saying: "Yan, I must seriously warn you that your thoughts are too dangerous. You lack political vigilance - you don't know right from wrong - you have no organizational concept! This way, you will destroy yourself. You don't know how much heart and soul I've put into helping you, caring for you, but instead, you suspect me - this is absurd! If you don't trust me, then go tell Lin Daojing, that traitor! What is the United Front? This is a completely wrong line of surrenderism. Begging the enemy for mercy, stretching out your hand to the warlords, bureaucrats, and bourgeoisie, this is what people like Lin Daojing believe in. But Yan, how could you also believe it? So I say, your thoughts are really too dangerous!"

  Wang Xiaoyan listened more and more solemnly. She was convinced by her lover's, also the leader's, torrential comments and criticisms. She lowered her head, concentrated on listening, and finally raised her head to respond: "Jun Cai, you know I'm very immature. It's not long since I got close to ***... many problems are unclear... don't worry, I'll correct it in the future."

  "Alright." Dai Yu pulled up her hand and smiled. A hint of triumphant smile flashed in his dull eyes. This honest and gentle girl was conquered by him again. "Let's walk and talk?" He held onto Xiao Yan's arm, strolling slowly along the riverbank towards the back door.

  "Yan, you must be vigilant in your thinking." Dai Yu walked and earnestly warned Wang Xiaoyan, "We must prevent these people from using the banner of the Anti-Japanese National United Front to win over and deceive naive classmates. Now, each class is brewing the establishment of a student autonomy association, all of which are tricks by those reactionary students to seize power and gain benefits. You must be aware of this. Therefore, we must stand firm on the proletariat's class position and engage in a desperate struggle against all bourgeois thoughts."

  Xiao Yan didn't make a sound, as if she was deep in thought. Just when they were about to walk out of the gate, she suddenly leaned against a big tree and beckoned to Dai Yu: "Hey, come here."

  Dai Yu stood still, leaning against her.

  "Tell me the truth... are you really in love with me?"

  Those bulging goldfish eyes stared at Xiaoyan in astonishment.

  "What! You suspect me?"

  Xiao Yan lowered her head and didn't look at him, using force to fiddle with a plain white handkerchief.

  "I found out you've been hiding many things from me."

  "What's wrong?"

  "You, you've never been willing to tell me where you live; you say you don't drink, but I've smelled the alcohol on your body; and besides..."

  "What else?"

  "There's still the scent of powder and perfume on you...and it's not just once. If you have someone else you love, tell me honestly, I won't be like this..." Xiaoyan's face turned as pale as ice on a river.

  Dai Yu smiled silently, his face expressionless. He gently patted Xiao Yan's shoulder with his hand and whispered in her ear: "Foolish girl, you're really a bookworm. You've completely forgotten what kind of people we are - underground workers in the White Zone. I'm carrying such an important task, my residence is naturally extremely confidential and unpredictable. This is an iron discipline, who can violate it? Not even you can be told. You should forgive me. As for the wine and perfume - Yan, you're really too naive and simple! Apart from you - my lover, I also have to deal with some 'female' comrades. They need to disguise themselves, sometimes we have to pretend to be close to each other. As for wine, in order to numb the enemy, sometimes I have to pretend to be a drunkard. Yan, don't you really understand all this?"

  Xiao Yan smiled, although her smile carried a sense of desolation and forced effort.

  After parting with Zheng Juncai, she returned home.

  She was feeling uneasy, and ran into her father who was taking a stroll in the yard. She glanced at him and then ran back to her own room. The professor was slightly startled, chased after her and shouted: "Xiaoyan, Xiaoyan, what's wrong again?"

  Xiao Yan had to stand still, forcing a smile at her father: "Dad, nothing. Have you read today's newspaper? Did you see Chiang Kai-shek's speech at the opening ceremony of the Fifth People's Congress?"

  "Look! Those *** seeking glory guys are firing those deceptive blank shots again: 'Peace is not given up until the time of despair, nor is sacrifice mentioned lightly until the last moment.' Hasn't the last moment for sacrifice arrived yet?……” The professor became excited, he solemnly looked at his daughter and began to talk incessantly.

  But Xiaoyan, who had a lot on her mind today, didn't have the mood to talk about these things. She lied that she wasn't feeling well and left the professor, running back to her own room.

  As soon as she entered the house, she was startled to see Xiao Yushu sitting in front of the dressing table, holding a large comb and grooming herself. When she saw Xiaoyan, she put down the comb and jumped up to hug her neck.

  "Sister Wang, you're back! I almost didn't get to see you again! Do you know? Tonight I'm leaving, I'm leaving Beijing."

  Xiao Yan grasped Xiao Yu's hand and asked her: "Where are you going? Why haven't I seen you for so many days?"

  Yu Shuxiu pulled over Xiao Yan and sat down beside her on the 'bed'.

  "I've been busy with schoolwork, and on top of that, I have a lot of extracurricular work, so no one has time to look for anyone else. It's been ages since I last saw Lin sister. Have you seen her recently? Are you asking where I'm going? You can't guess - the organization agreed to my request, I'm not studying anymore, and I'm going to work in a factory as a worker! Do you understand? I'm going to be among the workers!" She chattered excitedly, talking nonsense.

  "Which factory are you going to? Where is it?" Xiaoyan asked with a warm smile, temporarily putting aside the annoyance in her heart after seeing Xiao Yu.

  Xiao Yu is such a mischievous kid. She made a face at Xiao Yan, then shook her head and said: "Can't tell! Nobody can know. Anyway, I'm going to join the workers' team, how exciting!"

  Xiao Yan patted her and asked with a smile: "Did your parents ask you to go? You don't read books, you're not a good girl, do you really want to go be a suffering worker?"

  "Behind their backs! Tonight, I'll sneak away. They won't be able to find me even if they look for me. Look, I came to see you, to bid you farewell, but you weren't here. Just as I was about to call you back, you returned on your own. Sister Wang, as long as it's assigned by the organization, I'm happy to do anything. Now, I'm extremely happy!"

  Xiao Yan gazed intently at Xiao Yu, and saw that her bright and handsome face had a resolute air about it. This young and passionate heart inspired Xiao Yan, causing her to forget the troubles of many days. She leaned against Xiao Yu's soft white neck and smiled warmly: "You're really a promising good kid, I should learn from you!"

  Xiao Yu suddenly jumped up, took the deep red beautiful comb from the dresser, and ran back to Xiao Yan's side, saying: "Wang sister, what are you learning from me? You should learn from the owner of this comb. Do you know who it belongs to? Lin Hong sister! She gave it to me before she sacrificed herself. From then on, whenever I see this comb, I think of her. When I think of her, my body is like it has grown wings, and I have infinite strength. So when I encounter difficulties or unpleasant things, I take out this comb. As soon as I pick it up and comb my hair with it, I feel like I've become Lin Hong sister, and I'm not afraid of anything, I don't worry about anything. Today, I'm leaving home, and my heart is a bit sad - you know, my mom only has me, her only daughter, she must be thinking of me so much! She'll be crying everywhere looking for me when she can't see me! So I took out this comb and combed my hair with all my might.

  Xiao Yu was originally smiling while talking, but as she spoke, she started crying.

  Xiao Yan took Lin Hong's comb, staring at it intently. As she stared, the tears welling up in her eyes flowed down unnoticed. To shift this oppressive atmosphere, she wiped away her tears and asked Xiao Yu: "Xiao Yu, are you taking the train tonight or... is someone else seeing you off?

  "Tell me, have you found a lover - he must be a lively and mischievous little guy too?"

  "No! No!" Little Yu shook her head like a peddler's drum, "Who wants those annoying boys! Hey, Wang sister, I haven't finished telling you my troubles yet. Before leaving, I didn't get to see Lin sister, it really makes me feel strange and sad. I miss her so much. But these few months she has been secretive about her whereabouts, and I didn't have time to ask around more. I'm asking you, do you often see her? What does she look like now? What work is she doing? Has she looked for you?"

  Xiao Yu kept talking incessantly, but didn't notice that Xiao Yan's face was turning red and white. When she finished speaking and paused for a moment, still not seeing Wang Xiao Yan respond to her, this finally caught her attention.

  "Wang sister, what's wrong with her? She...she..." Xiao Yu's face turned white, she thought Dao Jing had encountered another unfortunate event.

  "There's nothing," Xiao Yan said coldly. "She's auditing classes at Beida."

  "So you two are together now! Working together!" Little Yu excitedly chimed in, a naive smile spreading across her face.

  What should I do? Xiaoyan's heart began to weave a complex contradictory emotion. She wanted to tell Xiao Yu: Lin Daojing had become bad, and they had already cut off their relationship...

  But she - this little Yu, isn't she also that kind of person like Lin Daojing? Did she come to test her with a purpose? …… So, she fell silent.

  Her hesitant and nervous mood was seen by the clever little Yu, who said with a sharp mouth: "Sister Wang, something must have happened between you two. What is it? She's a good comrade, and you're a good fellow soldier, what could happen between you two? ... It can't be! Can't be! Sister Wang, this is simply unimaginable! Too unimaginable! Tell me, what's going on with Sister Lin?"

  Her genuine and sincere attitude that day dispelled Xiaoyan's suspicions about her.

  "Xiao Yu, I should tell you!" After a long time, Xiao Yan finally came to her senses and said solemnly, "Lin Daojing deceived us - I never even dreamed of it - she was already a traitor and had become an undercover agent..."

  Xiao Yan was afraid that Yu Xiu would shout or scold, but unexpectedly, after hearing these words, Yu Shu did not shout or scold. In an instant, her childish temper disappeared, and she suddenly became serious and calm. A pair of bright big eyes stared tightly at Xiao Yan's worried face. She said lightly and clearly: "Wang sister, you must have made a mistake? Been deceived by someone? I lived with her in prison, and we came out together, I know her. Even if the sky falls, I won't believe she would betray! The enemy has many sinister plots, didn't you fall for someone's trick? The reactionaries like us to fight among ourselves, they like to sow discord between us."

  "Don't say any more!" Xiao Yan's face turned pale as she stopped Yu Shuxiu. Her voice was very low, weak and powerless, like a patient's. "These days... I've been in a nightmare; it's like sitting in a small boat on the waves - sometimes swaying to the right, sometimes to the left. It's making my heart ache so much..." Two lines of hot tears rolled down her pale face, and she fell onto the bed crying.

  Isn't the fact staring us in the face like a great mountain under the sun? If Lin Daojing wasn't a traitor, if she was still fighting for her country and people with all her heart; then Dai Yu, Zheng Juncai - the man she loved, to whom she gave her beautiful youth, her passionate love - is a despicable traitor, an evil hypocrite, or even worse. And what about herself? What kind of abyss has she fallen into with him?! Inspired by Lin Daojing's letter and proven by many facts, she had thought of this long ago. But she was afraid to think so. She forbade herself from thinking so. It's too cruel! Too terrifying! Her whole life is ruined! How can she still have the face to live in this world, how can she still have the face to see her relatives and friends and those comrades who are eagerly waiting for her?!

  Xiao Yu seemed to see through Xiao Yan's painful emotions, she stood beside her and gently lifted up her head. A pair of passionate and pure big eyes, revealing deep concern, gazed at Xiao Yan.

  "Sister Wang, cheer up! As long as you sincerely believe in Marxism-Leninism, as long as you follow the path of Marx and Lenin, as long as you don't forget the ardent hopes that our motherland and people have placed on us, then all darkness is temporary. The river flows back to the sea after a thousand twists and turns, winter will pass, and spring will soon arrive. Sister Wang, cheer up, be more optimistic! If there's any suffering, can you tell me about it?"

  "Dear sister," Xiaoyan wiped away her tears and looked at Xiaoyu, "I want to have a talk with you. In the past, I trusted him too much, and also trusted myself too much."