Chapter Fourteen: Hell Phone

  "Naihe Bridge! Naihe Bridge! Aren't my ancestors high officials in the underworld? How did I end up dying like this?! What about my parents?! What about the curse of ten thousand souls?" As soon as this thought emerged, I suddenly felt goosebumps all over my body, like spring bamboo shoots after a rain, each one swollen and trembling, as if to match the sorrowful mood.

  As the first person in the Cui family to commit suicide, I already have a lot of psychological pressure. If I were to say that I am also the first person in the Cui family to sleep to death and fall into the underworld, then with what face can I meet my ancestors? Then I would definitely not be a legend, but rather a lowly and vulgar joke on the back of a street flyer! How can my body withstand this unbearable weight of life?

  I muttered to myself: "I've always been unlucky, and I thought finding my parents would change that, but it turns out I've encountered a family curse of bad luck. It's like I'm paralyzed, and I just fell asleep. What an excellent genetic inheritance from my family! It's all fate, what a damn fate...". As I cursed to myself, I remembered these things and got up from the ground, turned around and prepared to run away. Just thinking about this place called hell makes my legs weak, although I don't know what significance running away has for a dead person like me.

  At this moment, I faintly heard a voice whispering in my ear, "Come on, come on, come on!" The sound was so alluring that it made me feel like scratching my heart and lungs, giving me an itchy feeling all over my body. I found myself involuntarily wanting to walk into Meng Po's side, take a sip of Meng Po soup, and casually chat with Meng Po about life, dreams, and whatnot.

  This thought made my forehead full of sweat, like a heavy rain. My mind was clear, but my body was out of control. I stared at Meng Po and was about to walk towards her, but I still had many things undone, I hadn't fulfilled the family mission, I hadn't married, I hadn't had children... one thought after another intensified my panic, making me extremely anxious! In the end, I cried out "Granny, my pants are still wet!"

  It's clear that my begging for mercy didn't work well, and under the influence of this powerful external force, I gradually saw the situation on the bridge. On the edge of the bridge, there was a couplet with white background and red characters. The top line read: "Accumulate virtue and do good deeds", while the bottom line read: "Be greedy and create evil, blood river erodes bones and soul dies". The stone bridge had two paths, one black on the west side and one white on the east side, with five steps leading down from each. All these signs made me think of Meng Po's words at the edge of Naihe Bridge - it's really a rhythm that makes you speak without feeling pain! It's definitely the underworld here, and the people on the bridge should be those dead ghosts. I summoned my goosebumps again to relieve my tense emotions. Subconsciously, I wanted to smoke, but found myself wearing pajamas with no pockets at all. This smoking addiction is really powerful, making me feel itchy all over, like a faint, vague feeling that suddenly turned into an ocean of itchiness! It's extremely painful.

  Just as I was at my wit's end, a loud cry startled me awake, and the force that had been drawing me in suddenly stopped. I took a deep breath and hastily crawled backward several steps before sitting down. The sleep pants that had just dried were now wet again. No need to say anything else, it was all tears! The new sleepwear Mother had sent over was now reeking of sweat and was soaking wet.

  Who made my sorrow flow back into the river of what-ifs? In my dreams, the dark night gave me black eyes, but I used them to see ghosts.

  I saw some commotion across from Meng Po's soup stall, and upon closer inspection, I was shocked to see two yin messengers dressed in official attire with the character for "dark" on their backs, facing away from me. It wasn't unusual to have ghostly messengers in the underworld, but what caught my attention was that these two had enormous heads that took up at least a third of their bodies, making them look stumpy and disproportionate. Moreover, one of them was holding a rod-like object similar to a detection device, inspecting every person who crossed the bridge as if searching for contraband. Did Naihe Bridge also have customs?

  This strange behavior piqued my curiosity, and I leaned forward a few steps. Seeing the ghosts who had been detected by the two yin messengers walking towards a pavilion in front of Meng Po's soup stall, they drank the soup one after another, stood on a platform, looked back for a while, and at this moment, although there were only white eyeballs, pupils suddenly appeared, and tears filled their faces in an instant.

  I knew it, this must be the legendary Meng Po's pavilion. All I saw was a ghost with tears streaming down its face, crying in agony under Meng Po's support, gasping for breath.

  On the other side, two burly ghost enforcers were probing the next ghost about to cross the bridge. The probe stick crackled and popped like a string of firecrackers on top. I heard one of them say in a hoarse voice, "This guy was a bad egg in his previous life." Another ghost enforcer took out an object with a rod at one end and a metal plate at the other, which had been heated to a bright red color under Meng Po's cauldron. He branded the ghost's face with it, accompanied by a blood-curdling scream, and the words "Bad Egg" appeared on his face. Then he was dragged to the edge of a pool and kicked in. Next to the pool stood a sign with an A4-sized paper attached, which read: Blood River Pool!!!!!

  "This is the Blood River Pool that directly connects to the Naihe Water, it's said that all the evil people in this world, as soon as they arrive at the underworld, must first go through the Blood River Pool. Every day, they will suffer from the pain of being bitten by snakes and ants in the Naihe Water, repeatedly experiencing the process of their body rotting away and dying, until after the judge's trial, they will be punished according to their evil deeds. This place is like a perverted prison, where you can be tortured at will. And if you can't bear the suffering of the Naihe Water, which is as corrosive as a sea of blood, and want to escape, you'll be swallowed by that Blood Python we just saw, and disappear into nothingness, never to reincarnate again." I muttered to myself, it seems that these rumors aren't entirely false, at least some of them are real. I quickly thought back to all the shady things I did when I was alive, afraid of being labeled as a bad egg.

  At this time, I vaguely heard one of the ghostly enforcers say: "Next, line up in order, anyone who cuts in line will be thrown down to take a blood-washing bath." The scene before my eyes was truly frightening, and after taking several deep breaths, my heart was still racing at top speed, slightly better than being scared to death. At this time, the ghostly enforcer turned around and revealed his face, oh my god, my legs cramped and trembled, and I fell straight to the ground. These two ghostly enforcers were actually the infamous Ox-Head and Horse-Face!

  Don't ask me how I knew, but anyone who has learned a bit of cultural knowledge, facing this huge cow head and a long horse face, pressed on the human body, that shape, that style, completely doesn't need introduction to clearly mark their identity. I took a closer look, the hair on these two faces seemed to have not been washed for a long time, many stuck together, in clumps, almost forming a sheet, the four huge nostrils of these two goods could easily fit a fist, and from which emerged luxuriant nose hair, breathing with a whooshing sound like a blower was installed, this is what I saw on those two faces, the first thought that appeared in my mind, "two beasts". It was just a fleeting thought, I felt a pat on my back, I turned my head and fainted, no mistake, I passed out!!! If what's in front of me is a dream, I successfully fainted in the dream.

  I don't know how long it took, but I felt a piercing pain between my mouth and nose, and as soon as I opened my eyes, a huge black face the size of a washbasin appeared in front of me. The face was as big and dark as a large pot bottom, with occasional acne about to erupt, two eyes as big as light bulbs, pupils black, surrounded by dense blood vessels, mouth long, giving people a feeling that the corners of the mouth extended all the way to the ear roots, the whiskers around the mouth looked like they had been blown up by a bomb, growing in an uncoordinated direction! The body was over two meters tall, with a round and bulging belly suggesting that the treatment and food in the underworld were not bad at all!

  "Is that Charles Barkley? My favorite basketball superstar?" For a second, I almost wanted to ask for an autograph, but then I thought it wasn't right, he's not that dark-skinned and is wearing colorful clothes, I must be seeing things!

  With a gaping mouth and an expression of astonishment, he stared straight at my two large nostrils, blowing hot air onto my face. The hair on my face and under my hat stood up in all directions, quite a sight! As soon as I opened my eyes, I was shocked by this scene and fainted again, only remembering that the guy said: "Ah, haven't seen a handsome man before? How did you faint again? Being good-looking really makes people conflicted... unfortunate family..." The rest of his words were inaudible!

  This black thing in front of me is probably addicted to pinching people, this time I'm smart, although I woke up, but I just don't open my eyes, let's see what this guy wants to do, how he will deal with me! What if this thing only likes to eat living things like a bear, maybe I can still slip away. At this moment, all the nine-character mantras, Amitabha, Amen, Lord, appear in my heart.

  But I never expected that after a while, he muttered to himself: "It seems that only artificial respiration is left. However, I didn't brush my teeth when I went out today. Alas, it's all about saving people! Don't be particular!" At this point, I quickly pretended to stretch and woke up slowly. He gave me a mouthful of the hot air he had just breathed out, and even if it didn't suffocate me, it would have scalded my lips into a white, greasy mess.

  I opened my eyes, and the first thing that entered my line of sight was a plump and luscious mouth, a dazed gaze, and a shy expression. I was really drunk, so I quickly rolled over to one side, it was too dangerous!

  At this time, the deep male voice of the guy in front of him sounded, and listening to this voice would definitely be a famous mouthpiece even if he were in Yang Jian! Not doing broadcasting is really wasting this person's talent, but with this appearance, it's probably just an excellent voice actor! Anyone who can stare at him for more than three seconds has basic resistance that can withstand any extremely strong impact, which is the level of being immune to knives and guns!

  "A child's body is the capital of revolution, look at you with a weak body, isn't it anemia? Eat more calcium, iron, and zinc to supplement, take some Wuji Baifeng pills and Liuwei Dihuang pills. You have a great mission on your shoulders, this physique is clearly not up to par! Look, you're always dizzy!

  Am I not physically capable? My chest muscles, abdominal muscles, biceps, triceps, and quadriceps are quite robust, could it be that until now he still hasn't realized that my dizziness is because of his overbearing face? This face is clearly the rhythm of a fire scene!!!"

  Forget it, when under someone's roof, one has no choice but to lower their head. Whatever you say, I'll just listen and pretend to agree.

  "This is the Yinsi Street, also known as the Netherworld's underground palace that you guys talk about. We're now at the side of the Naihe Bridge, and it was I who brought you here. As we were talking, this black guy took out a fully transparent mobile phone. Look, GPRS positioning, isn't that right?!" Looking at the thing in this guy's hand, it's some pretty high-tech stuff! A fully transparent body, 5-inch high-definition screen, and what's even more ridiculous is that the logo on top is actually an Apple Pear 20 phone!

  "Am I dead for so long? Apple and Pear phones have been released to the 20th generation?" This thing is really shocking!

  "Oh, our King Yan is an Apple fanboy. After Not Thinking SIR passed away, he returned to our Huaxia Hell and specialized in developing Apple phones. This is the latest version, which I just snatched up on Hell's Treasure website. And I must say, the feel of it is simply awesome!" Every single sentence this guy says shocks me like I've got epilepsy.

  "5-inch full HD screen, 100 million milliampere battery, full network support, hell positioning system... anything you can think of, this thing has it all." Looking at the black guy in front of me, who's speaking with flying spittle, it's clearly a sales pitch, just short of directly shouting "998, only 998, take the phone home!"

  Who would have thought, he really did. "Do you know? This phone only needs 9998 coins of hell, 9998, just 9998 and the phone is yours to take home" I instantly wet my pants, is this a sales tactic? Am I crazy or is he crazy? My messy hair couldn't be tidied up no matter how hard I tried.

  It's about time this guy put away his phone.