Chapter 23: A Feeling of Powerlessness

  In the study room, I was still racking my brains to design the dance moves for the competition, while Fang Wenke, who was lying beside me, had already fallen fast asleep. The room was filled with the sound of Fang Wenke's snores and very soft music.

  I shifted my gaze to the window, and the sunlight was no longer as warm as it had been. It had slowly turned gloomy, but there was still a soft beam of light that shone on Fang Wenke's face, which was a delicate and flawless countenance. I often wondered why heaven was so unfair, always bestowing all the best things upon one person.

  I sat on the floor with bated breath, afraid of waking up Feng Wenke who was fast asleep. After two yawns, I also lay down on the floor.

  Looking at the ceiling above, with hands clasped together in front of chest, yet I unknowingly fell asleep as well.

  In this less-than-an-hour nap, I had a very short dream. The people in the dream were very clear, there was Zhu Yang, Zhu Yang's girlfriend Li Yue, and Fang Wenke.

  In the dream, it seems that we have a more awkward relationship than in reality. In the dream, Li Yue holds Zhu Yang's hand with her left hand and Fang Wenke's hand with her right hand, while I stand opposite them. I stare blankly at the three of them laughing together in front of me, feeling as if I've lost the whole world. I desperately want to break free from the dream, but no matter what, I just can't wake up. Li Yue's laughter in the dream is increasingly ear-piercing.

  "Hey! Li Weiming! Wake up!" Under Fang Wenke's loud roar and intense shaking, I suddenly opened my eyes and woke up.

  I gazed vaguely at the house in front of me, but my mind was still wandering with Li Yue's mocking face.

  "Baby, what's wrong? Did you have a nightmare? You were waving your hands around in the air nonstop just now." Fang Wenke stroked my hair, as if comforting an injured puppy.

  "Ah, I had a nightmare, maybe I'm just too tired." I rubbed my sleepy eyes and got up to turn off the competition song that was still on repeat.

  I sat on the floor with a blank expression, staring at the mirror in front of me, and for that moment, my mind was completely empty.

  Fang Wenke saw my dispirited appearance, and calmly slipped to my side. He gently wrapped his right arm around my shoulder, and lightly leaned my forehead against his right shoulder. At this moment, Fang Wenke didn't say anything, nor did he try to cheer me up with a smile like he usually did. It was as if he had read my mind, and simply stood there silently, accompanying me in my daze, not saying a word.

  I suddenly feel that Fang Wenke at this moment is just like Zhu Yang from before, even the rhythm of his breathing when he's silent is the same. And the way he looks at me when we're both lost in thought, he and Zhu Yang are alike, they just stare blankly into my eyes reflected in the mirror. We see each other's truest expressions through the mirror, but what I'm thinking of is Zhu Yang.

  I have a sense of guilt, a sense of injustice towards Fang Wenke, and a sense of powerlessness that I still can't let go. I'm still living in memories, living in the memories of those high school years.

  If someone could tell me how to let go of the past, how to let go of the regret, I would be so happy. I wish I could wholeheartedly indulge in the sweetness that Fang Wenke brings to me, but no one has ever told me how to free myself, not even time has taken away this feeling of powerlessness.