Chapter 29: Han Dynasty Entertainment News (External Chapter, Satire, Enter with Caution)

  To undermine the enemy's morale and promote their own side, Dong Zhuo's army and the coalition of lords launched a propaganda war!

  Dong Zhuo TV Station... News Department...

  Man: "Recently, I, Dong Zhuo, the Grand Minister of the Han Dynasty and the Commander-in-Chief of the Three Armies, met with representatives of the reactionary forces at Tiger Trap Pass. Minister Dong firmly stated that he would adhere to the principle of only one Han court and severely condemned the illegal activities of the reactionary forces in various places!"

  Girl: "The reactionary forces, taking advantage of our army's unpreparedness, launched a surprise attack on our army. Our former General Hua Xiong was defeated and captured, which is a loss of military honor. We will respond with deep contempt! I hope you little friends don't learn from him!"

  "General Li Ru, spokesperson for the Ministry of War of the Han Dynasty, issued a statement on the unilateral military action taken by the reactionary forces at Xishui Pass. He strongly protested against the killing of Han Dynasty soldiers by Sun Jian's rebel troops in Changsha. General Li pointed out that the great Han people's army is invincible and any force attempting to occupy the territory of the great Han will be doomed to extinction! The Han court will continue to closely monitor the development of the situation!"

  Woman: "In order to deal with the reactionary forces in various places, our army's war god Lv Bu and Lv Fengxian comrades led 30,000 Pingzhou iron cavalry to go forward to meet the enemy. When they were alone on the battlefield, the reactionary forces relied on their numerical superiority to bully our war god! The shameless behavior of the reactionary forces is really infuriating! Our army has already sent an envoy to protest against the hooliganism of the reactionary forces!"

  Man: "The Rebel Alliance of all regions will forcibly pass the revised troop dispatch bill at the meeting tomorrow. The leader of the thieves, Yuan Shao, disregarded the stern warning from Da Han and continued to increase his troops along the line of Zishui Pass and Tiger Trap Pass. Sun Jian and Cao Cao's vanguard troops have set out tonight!"

  "Luoyang: Thousands of people take to the streets in a march and demonstration, protesting the bandit army's occupation of Luoyang!"

  The city of Luoyang held a cultural conference, presided over by Wang Lang. Zhong Yu, Bian Rang, Hua Xin, Guan Ning and other well-known figures in the cultural circle attended the meeting, with Cai Yong as a guest. At the meeting, Wang Lang gave a speech on how to counter the political propaganda of Yuan Shao and others who had ulterior motives against the Han army and civilians.

  "That's all for today's Han Dynasty News. Coming up next is 'The Great Event of the Han Dynasty', 'Opposing Dong Zhuo, the Prime Minister, means turning one's back on history and the people. A brief discussion on why the bandit army of Guandong is so villainous?'"

  Dong Zhuo TV Station... Interview Department...

  Host: "Hello! General Li Ru!" Li Ru smiled slyly: "Good!"

  Host: "Today, our army and the Kwantung reactionary allied forces are at a stalemate from Tiger Pass to Suishui Pass. Please talk about why the enemy troops responded with enthusiasm, raised what they called the 'Righteous Army' flag, and opposed the promotion of our dynasty's Prime Minister and former Governor of Xiliang, General Dong Zhuo?"

  Li Ru sneered: "Envy, jealousy and hatred! These people always think about getting something for nothing, they always think about promotion! Want a raise in salary! But they don't have the ability, especially their leader Yuan Shao, who is originally a second-generation ancestor. He was born noble, our prime minister is not as good as him, but he has a higher official position than him and gets more salary than him. That's why he harbors evil intentions and wants to rebel! They completely ignore the hard work of our prime minister, working day and night!"

  Host: "Well said! General Li Ru is indeed extremely intelligent, and with one sentence, he has exposed the evil intentions of the bandits in Guandong. They are jealous of our dynasty's prime minister... (omitting over a thousand words of flattery)... Next, please let General Li Ru talk about how we can win this battle?"

  Li Ru was hesitant: "This... should... probably... may... possibly... will win!"

  Host: "Why?"

  Li Ru: "Our army is a righteous army, it's the king's army! The bandit army is rebellious and their words are not in order. Their actions have already harmed innocent civilians, our support rate is very high! As the saying goes: 'Those who win the hearts of the people will win the world!' As long as our army persists in resisting the pseudo-court of Guandong, without bowing its head or yielding, we can eliminate the bandit army and bring peace to the country!"

  The host went crazy: "Haha! Did you hear that?! The Eastern bandits! We have the Prime Minister, we have the God of War Lü Bu, we have General Li Ru, and we have more than 20 million strong men from Western Liang! And we also have the support of the people all over the world! As long as you dare to come, your final outcome will be... being executed with extreme punishment!"

  "Next up, please watch the live broadcast of the Han Dynasty's hottest program, 'Entertainment Edition: The Battle of Tiger Trap'!"

  Dong Zhuo TV Station... Entertainment Department...

  "Welcome to the live broadcast of the hottest program 'Entertainment Version Tiger Trap Pass Final Battle'! Our army's vanguard war god Lü Bu leads his troops into battle... outside Tiger Trap Pass... he has already formed a battle array, facing off against the nine armies of Dong Zhuo. And now, it's time for our favorite segment - the duel between generals!"

  "Our military god of war is mighty! He wants to single-handedly challenge all the bandits, he's already riding out on his treasured horse Red Hare! Wow, haha! It's truly too majestic! Look at that hairstyle! That physique! That armor! He's simply a tall, rich and handsome man! ... A fierce general rushed out from the bandit army, seems to be called... Ah! Fang Yue! Self-proclaimed as the number one general of Hebei!"

  The verbose commentator talked for an entire afternoon, leaving everyone's mouths dry!

  Three programs have passed, and Dong Zhuo TV's work for the day has also come to an end. On the other hand, the Allied Forces of the Lords are not to be outdone, pushing out their own series program, a large-scale heroic biography - "Han Dynasty F4 Fighting Lü Bu!"

  Starring: Zhang Fei, Guan Yu, Lü Bu; Supporting roles: Liu Bei, Gongsun Zan.

  Zhang Fei's monologue...

  Lü Bu. Lü is the Lü in Lü Bu. Bu is the Bu in Lü Bu. Typing out "Three Heroes Battle Lü Bu" with Microsoft Pinyin input method is very easy, taking about 2 seconds.

  It's really hard to face Lü Bu, very hard not to be nervous. Very hard, very hard. Very hard not to hesitate, because several people had already been killed or injured before I went on stage.

  But I didn't hesitate. Hesitation is not my style. Because I am Zhang Fei, Zhang is the Zhang of Zhang Yimou, and Fei is the Fei of Zhang Yimou's "Letting a Chicken Fly".

  Many times cowardice can completely defeat a person, many times courage can completely make a person. It is stored in one heart and released in an instant.

  "Are you Zhang Fei?" "Uh-huh." "How old are you this year?" "20." "Are you married?" "No." "Then go home and get married, I don't want you to die." "Cut it out."

  "Are you Lü Bu?" I made the first move: Dragon Emerging from the Sea. "What's your favorite color?" I made the second move: Black Dragon Coils Around the Pillar. "What's the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you?" I made the third move: Heavenly Dragon Overpowers the Cloth.

  "I am Lü Bu. I like rose red. The most embarrassing thing is that Microsoft Pinyin always types my name as 'donkey dedication'. He held the halberd horizontally in front of him, answering my three questions with a single breath. However, however! Not moving at all."

  Lü Bu is Lü Bu after all. Not aluminum kettle nor nylon fabric.

  My mother told me: if you can't beat others, run. But I couldn't run; my father told me: money can buy your enemy. But I had no money; but that was a few years later! Chinese Football Association told me: fight for honor, expecting miracles to happen. @@! Who does the Chinese Football Association think it is?

  It's just me, I only have myself. It's all about oneself. A man has to endure a lot. Endure humiliation; endure loneliness;...

  Note: At that time, a certain XXX who was present at the scene invented the famous game Zhang Fei vs Lü Bu based on this.

  After 10 rounds, my jaw cracked.

  After 20 rounds, my throat felt sweet.

  After 30 rounds, I was dazed.

  After 40 rounds, I despaired.

  After 50 rounds, I died.

  The feeling of being dead is great, no fatigue; no pursuit; no disappointment; no desire; only tranquility.

  But I didn't die. If I died, I wouldn't know what pain is; if I died, I wouldn't know what fear is; if I died, I wouldn't know what it means to be invincible; if I died, I wouldn't know what it means to be unparalleled in the world.

  The only reason I didn't die is because Guan Yu killed those who came in.

  Life is like that. You can be without money, but you absolutely cannot be without friends; you can be without friends, but you absolutely cannot be without brothers; with brothers, you have life itself.

  I haven't seen Big Brother for many years. I've been with Big Brother for many years.

  Eighty-two catty Green Dragon Crescent Blade, every blade is fatal, but cannot kill Lü Bu; a one-zhang-eight-chi pure steel serpent spear, every thrust is deadly, but cannot harm Lü Bu.

  Dialogue...

  Zhang Fei: Big Drink: Must-kill technique, Lü Bu's life value decreases by 12. Guan Yu: Whirlwind Beheading Moon Blade; Lü Bu's life value decreases by 16.

  Lü Bu: Halberd of Heaven's Painting; Guan Yu's HP reduced by 138.

  Zhang Fei: Chain Lightning; Lü Bu's HP reduced by 18; Guan Yu: Uses Ginseng; Guan Yu's HP increased by 80.

  Lü Bu: Not seeing each other is a heavenly spear, Zhang Fei's life value decreases by 168.

  Zhang Fei: Doomsday Judgment; this magic is ineffective against Black Dragon and Lü Bu. Guan Yu: Years are like flying knives, each knife hastening old age; Lü Bu begins to decline at the age of 20.

  Lü Bu: The Sky-Piercing Halberd is endless; Zhang Fei cannot move or dodge.

  Guan Yu: I love kitchen, we love kitchen; Lü Bu's sleeve was cut into pieces.

  Lü Bu: Big Arms Heaven Painting Halberd; Guan Yu's HP reduced by 139.

  Liu Bei joined forces with Gongsun Zan who was defeated and humiliated by Lü Bu.

  Liu Bei: Southern Tour Speech Must-Kill Technique, Lü Bu is confused; Gongsun Zan: Flower Smile! Lü Bu vomits!

  Zhang Fei: Using Jingzhi Jingyang Spring Wine, Zhang Fei's state is restored to normal; Guan Yu: Super Mimicry Show, Guan Yu copied another Lü Bu.

  Lü Bu: The world has no thieves, Tian Hua Halberd; Lü Bu's life value decreases by 130.

  Gongsun Zan: Explode Chrysanthemum God Spear! Liu Bei: Three Representations Must-Kill Technique

  Lü Bu collapsed, and later was shot by a hidden arrow by Gongsun Zan, this despicable man who had been playing both sides.

  Liu Bei's army won the war! Gained experience value 13006581341, gained silver coins 8519809. Zhang Fei learned: Wine Miracle Technique; Guan Yu learned: Happy Dictionary; Liu Bei learned: APEC terminology. Gongsun Zan... life value reduced by five hundred, almost died...

  Zhang Fei's monologue... Lü Bu's defeated posture is no different from others. A man cannot fail, a failed man is not a man, it's a Bayern Munich fan. Just like this, the invincible Lü Bu lost to us, this story tells readers: unity is strength.

  That's why F4 is so popular! We also want to form a new F4!!!!